Xpand the Plan

Red Chakra Monday
It has been a restful weekend playing nurse to PC. I set an intention to stay healthy. I hope I can because I am heading to Miami on Wednesday. I am focusing on natural beauty this week. I am a beautiful woman inside and out. I stayed inside and gave myself extra sleep today to make sure I would remain healthy. I feel good so I think it worked!

At the same time I got so much done. I am so much more energy efficient now that I don’t have a full-time job! So how will I survive with school and work? School won’t be work. And I am getting scholarships.  Or at least I am setting an intention to get scholarships.

Orange Chakra Tuesday
I wake up leisurely and go to Qualia to “work.” I start by reading the manuscript I sent to Converse College. I start to see the scenes in moving images. Yes, I am supposed to go to film school. But I wouldn’t have had this re-written manuscript without the deadline pressure of Converse admissions. Maybe I need to work on my writing and stick with my foundation. I am being very superficial.

After the cafe I head liesurely to Dupont Circle for my final interview at NASHP. Both my supervisors are POCs. They could be family. They are not like the Red Queen who is a Mason and thinks a Latina is a weird exotic creature who doesn’t belong in her fair kingdom. Was it really like that? Is that how I am going to characterize my experience at The Chocolate Factory? It really was a very white organization.

Everything I couldn’t handle at The Chocolate Factory is handled at The Healing Center. Is that what I am going to call it? I am strengthening my yellow chakra here. I can work with these women. I am focusing on people this time, as well as the work. I tell them I work in 90-minute increments with frequent breaks. I am a humming bird. I snack throughout the day. This is my efficient way of working. They tell me if my experience at The Chocolate Factory was Boot Camp, my experience at The Healing Center will be war.

“This is a war I won’t be coming home from…”

It will be intense. But I am working 4-day weeks. I can choose to work a 5th day for Elastic and Ethical Markets and Coral Towers. Yes, the condo is another source of income and I have to tend that farm if I want  it to grow.

I will also be tending the Love farm. And The Urban Ashram. My mind will be juggling lots. At least I won’t be bored.

Once school starts that will be another farm I am tending. It’s an investment for my life as a virtual gypsy when I am in my 40s. Me and PC and our baby will be traveling as Planetary Citizens around the world.

Speaking of – I inserted the Nuva Ring today since it is the first day of my period. The act of it felt like another step in PC’s direction. He  has been taking steps toward me by allowing me into his network of friends who are looking for roommates/tenants. I really love the sound of “Casa de Luz” and the idea of absorbing the energy of the former roommate who is now engaged and living with her soulmate. This is a good step for me but the cost is a bit high if I intend to save money for school.

“Xpand the plan.”

What if I don’t have to be a poor student? What if I am abundant?

Yellow Chakra Wednesday
I am on Planet MyAmi feeling so relaxed in my “beach house.” Apparently this is what it feels like to the Blue Fairy and her mom. I never thought of my little writing sanctuary this way. But as I drive around with them, wearing flip flops and shorts with our bathing suits underneath like tourists from the north…my little low income box near three universities and a bike ride away from the beach is certainly a getaway from the maddness of the north.

As I think about what I love to do best – lie around and write – I wonder if I am going to film school because it sounds better. I should do what I really want to do, not what sounds good. Zooming out and looking at me from the alien’s perspective, what’s the best way to spend on earth? Just lounging is great, but only after working hard.

Dear Cherry Blossom,

Hi!! Hope all is flowing for you as usual! I just spent the morning working at the Gypsy Cafe and I feel satisfied and worthy of a couple of hours off to spend time with my homegirls – just talked to Pluton who is on her way to a wedding…she is happy because she’s been working as a creative rather than selling insurance. She and I are so similar in that way…and later I’ma hang with Azteca on the beach to celebrate her birthday (hope u will meet her someday!)…and right now I am spending virtual time with you by writing this love letter. Been thinking lots about our friendship and this prospect of living together in The Urban Ashram. The economics of the arrangement is extremely enticing, but it struck me today that this would cause a major, significant change in our friendship, on the same level as living with a boyfriend. Maybe you were already aware of that and I’m just now catching up!

My initial reaction is to avoid the situation completely – that our friendship is more important than saving a few bucks. After taking a walk (yes, in the humidity in “pedestrian friendly” North Miami!), my second reaction was – maybe this is an opportunity for me to learn how to be a better friend, and to be able to say what I need to say without being afraid of turning you off or making you not like me because I am being myself. These are the reasons I am afraid of living with a man…or anyone for that matter, for longer than 6 months. I only want people to see me when I am in a good mood. I don’t want people to be afraid of me…or talk shit about me behind my back with their friends…or the worst – break up with me. I am an intense person. I try not to be by diffusing my energy through yoga, but I am who I am regardless of my efforts to be more easygoing. This is why I was suffocating at my job. I felt like I was living with my co-workers. 8 hours a day IS living with people. And I hated it because if I was going to live with people for an extended period of time, the least they could do was let me come and go as I pleased as long as I pulled my weight. But that wasn’t the case. No matter how hard I worked, they wouldn’t give back what I needed.

But now I am starting a new job where I am asking for what I need up front. It was hard. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the job if I was too Diva about my requirements. Apparently they have more respect for me…AND I am getting what I need. Win-win.

So, if you think you can handle living with me, read on:

1. Courtesy – I am a very giving person. I will bend over backwards for you because I am a mirror and I want the same treatment from all my friends and family.

2. Kitchen: I wash dishes or put them in the dishwasher immediately after use. I haven’t been able to fill up the cabinets or refrigerator on my own, there is so much space. I would like this to be our communal space – we can share groceries, recipes, conversation but no gossip. No complaining. I would continue to use the desk for my computer and business stuff. I will clean it up tho so it’s not so junky. You can set up a desk in your bedroom for your computer.

3. Bathroom needs to be cleaned at minimum once/week. You would have top two drawers; I would have bottom two drawers. No dirty towels on the floor, makeup and stuff all over the countertop. I am a minimalist and clutter makes me nuts.

4. Storage – You would have the bedroom and the closet for all your stuff. I would use coat closet, closet with shelves next to desk. Shared items would be stored in washer/dryer closet.

5. Energy use – My bill is about $28/mo so I have yet to understand why every house advertised on Craigslist says utilities per person is $100.

6. Boys – they won’t EVER stay over. If you want to be alone with your man he has a great, private place. I will stay at my man’s when I want to be with him.

7. Dinner parties – can’t get enough of them, the more the merrier. With the extra money saved, I would like to buy a table, chairs and stools!!

8. Living room – I will sleep on a futon next to the large window in the living room. I am thinking I can find some kind of collapsible/accordian wall for privacy and take it down every morning so the space remains open.

9. Schedules – We both keep very busy so for the most part The Urban Ashram will be our space to sleep, eat, have personal space away from boys, other people, etc. It is a sanctuary to recharge from a city that tends to drain energy.

Blue Chakra Friday
I went out last night to celebrate Azteca’s birthday and I came home angrier than I have ever been…since the Marketer? Maybe the last time someone pushed my buttons was Jennifer Nieves when she walked off like a retard at the rally in DC. This time it’s someone else associated with La Azteca: her stupid choice for a man. This guy is such a loser that it makes me wonder if Azteca is even worth keeping as a friend. I don’t want stupid people in my life, otherwise I would continue talking to the Indigo Fairy. These are all friends from my past. I have nothing in common with them anymore and it’s OK. I can still be polite to them. They just all know that if you push me the wrong way, I will let you know. This guy was driving drunk and jeapordizing my life which has nothing to do with his. I made bad judgment by getting in the car with him in the first place. Azteca is a fool who talks shit about her own boyfriend while he is in her company but she keeps him around because he’s spending money on her. Very little integrity and I have no desire to be around someone like this. She is not my life long friend. I moved away from my childhood home so I don’t have this tight bond with someone. I’ve got Gypsy but even then, we rarely see each other. Seems my best relationships are ones that are virtual.

I am so unbalanced today. Just want the day to end so I can’t interact with anyone else here.

When I think of my Planetary Citizen seeing me this way I just want to break up with him to spare him from the hurricane.

Perhaps that is why I am not with him now. I have no desire to be with him when I am like this and so the universe is sparing me, saving my future with this man…who may be just as imbalanced as I am and that is why he chose me? Why do I think he is a prize and I am not worth anything? Perhaps because I am not relaxing and letting myself flow?

Purple Chakra Saturday
The intention: live well. Being a student does not mean I have to be poor. I will live in Casa de Luz. This room is not available until June 1.

Idea: Does PC read on the plane when he is traveling? Is he able to read and concentrate or does the ADD prevent him? He loves watching short videos. These are made for him. What if Chakra Girl reports the news for him in quick bites? I can do mp3s.

“Thomas Zimmerman, managing director at UBS Investment Bank, estimated that 25% of outstanding mortgages are underwater, meaning they exceed the current value of the loan.”

Ringfinger music video
Story of working full-time as an employee to a corporation so you can pay your mortgage, your car loan, live the good life.

“There are citizens out there who would buy a $300,000 house but can’t because the government is subsidizing banks to keep that house at $400,000 or $500,000, because the bank would have to write down the existing mortgage on that house.”

What I should keep in mind – PC may not be my man forever. Does this mean I should cut my losses now?

No. We are building up a major story with each other. We need each other now. We will help each other build the foundations of our life’s work. We will eat, drink and be merry. We will marry. We will have a baby. We will travel together. Will will spend most of our middle age together. I miss him.

White Chakra Sunday
This week was all about beauty. Its true meaning, beyond breast implants, lip injections and facials. I am beautiful because of the way I treat myself and other people – with respect, patience and love. If I violate these rules or if anyone treats me otherwise, I can defend mysel, I can apologize, I can forgive. And I can make a choice about who is in my inner circle and who remains on the outer edges. These positions will fluctuate at different times. Some will be closer than others depending on our respective paths; some will be farther. And I have to flow with this.

Red Chakra Monday
I wake up hoping to hear from PC even though I should be focused on preparing for my new job. I miss him. My heart aches.

I take a flow yoga class. This should fix my head right quick. But it doesn’t. As I shop at Whole Foods afterwards I feel lonely. Why hasn’t PC responded to my email?

Orange Chakra Tuesday
I wake up to find a love letter from PC and I feel OK and capable of facing my day now that I have received his time and energy. If I am to be in a relationship with someone this is what I need. Otherwise I would rather be alone. I don’t want to be ignored by my number one soul mate. Especially not for a whole week.

I am creating drama. Why?

I go to Ashtanga with Amanda. This should quell the noise in my head. Instead, I am annoyed by the teacher. As soon as I start to get into a pose, he is pushing us into another. It’s all so fucking superficial. Amanda is preparing for pregnancy. I told her I have to start cracking too cuz I am old now. She laughs. She doesn’t realize how old I am. I don’t realize how old I am. In my mind, I am still an angsty teenager trying to understand my place in this world.

Orange Chakra Tuesday
I wake up thinking of PC. Has he written back? Yes, finally, after I scolded him in Spanish last night: “Baby, donde estas?? Escribe me, ya! Te extrano.” He gives me enough to get me through the day, but I know the email was forced…out of obligation to quell my neediness. He is in present time. As should I be.

Yellow Chakra Wednesday
I decide to make believe I am single while PC is gone. It’s the only way to cope. In fact, his travel schedule was one of the reasons I thought a relationship with him could work. We could maintain our individuality and freedom while still enjoying the benefits of coupledom. But I can’t seem to focus on my work. I keep checking my email. When I write my thoughts to him, it seems natural that he would write back his thoughts. But this is not his style. How can I expect him to write when he is busy with work? Or is work just an excuse? It’s funny how I think of the German. He would write back. No he wouldn’t. Fuck these men.

Cherry Blossom texts me to meet her outside Dupont Circle. She supposedly wants to give me a “hug.” She probably has some alterior motive. A phone number of one of my friends so she can sell them her fabulous financial planning services that she won’t give to her friend as a  gift after all I have given her? Whatever. I don’t need to hug her.

I go swimming. The demons are swirling in my head and at one point I think I will cry. Then I say hi to an older white woman who asks me how my swim is going.

“I feel like I am fighting the water.”

“You just need to warm up,” she says.

And then I swim a little bit better. My thoughts aren’t all negative. Stinkin thinkin. But as soon as I get out of the pool I feel miserable again. I sit in the hot tub and the Asian guy with the cool tattoo tries to talk to me. But I am blocked. Closed. I used to be open. And now I am closed.

I have a stream of consciousness conversation with Jose from Miami. It was an hour of rambling and apparently that’s exactly what we both needed. He never says anything yet if I counted all his words, I could fill up a journal. Is he just reflecting back at me?

Green Chakra Thursday
I should be all love today. But I am spotting. This Nuva Ring has made me bleed all week. I want to email PC and tell him it’s freaking me out and it’s all his fault because he made me get on birth control so he can come inside me without any commitment. Fuck that. I have had enough men abuse me. I have had enough people abuse me. I am tired. I want to go to sleep. This week sucks.

Cherry Blossom texts me to say she snoozed and lost the perfect apartment she thought she found for her and princess dog. I am annoyed when I see her text. Why? Because she is selfish. She is slow and takes too long to make decisions and is uptight and judgmental and fake so that’s why she didn’t get the apartment. Maybe she is reflecting my own isms back at me?

Blue Chakra Friday
This week has been a struggle. Completely lost. Drowning. Grasping. Needing. Yet everything around me is calm. Fine. Flowing. Why doesn’t my head match? Is it the Nuva Ring? The new job? The apartment search? PC’s absence? Cherry Blossom? Grad school? Being away from family?

I know that I am supposed to be here. I know that I am supposed to be an entrepreneur artist and that I will be enrolling in the weekend program at American because I will need to work my way through school. No one ever said it would be easy.

I feel good that I got my work done today. I got a pass to The Power Shift conference. I got inspired to create a new mashup. I gave the Assistant a raise. I had a good conversation with the Client. But I still feel like shit. Nothing I do makes me feel good. I am a basket case going from one thing to another. Am I addicted to PC? No. I am cramping. I don’t know if I am becoming one with this nuva ring. Maybe next week will be better. When PC gets back on Sunday I will tell him I am not feeling well and I don’t want to see him.

Purple Chakra Saturday
It is 1:56am. I woke up with cramps. Not severe, but uncomfortable enough to keep me from sleeping. So I Google “Nuva Ring Cramping.” It’s probably the most rational thing I have done all week. The first link is an entire forum of women suffering from the side effects of this birth control that I thought would be non-invasive, but has caused me to bleed every day and cry every night. Why am I subjecting myself to this abuse?? And then I do the smartest thing I have done all week. I removed the stupid thing. It was full of blood and my period ended a week ago. How is this normal??? The lies our doctors tell us for what?? $70/month? I am 35. I have been in 4 long-term relationships and never got pregnant. I do not need to be on birth control. Moreover, I am in a relationship with a man who is not capable of communicating while he is out of town. He is a wonderful, beautiful man, and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with him, but I would be a fool to choose this man as my husband. He is a charmer and a lover, not a loyal friend for life. Right? Or am I wrong as usual? I want to give him a chance. But being on this birth control this week was a huge test. I could see myself pregnant in a few years and in labor alone because he is off traveling in Katmandu. I really am crazy. Because writing that suddenly made me think that would be an interesting scenario. Then I thought of my brother’s wife. She complains when he leaves because she is alone with the 2 kids. I said to my brother she should get help from her girlfriends. But now I know how she feels. Cherry Blossom or the High Priestess or La Salsera have their own lives and may not have time to babysit me. Or maybe I am just ahead of myself as usual.

But overall, I feel relief. And I feel like I got my power back. Without a commitment this whole birth control thing really did a number on me. Best to just stay away from the Planetary Citizen until he decides he wants to close the deal.

Just saw Casa de Luz. I don’t think I looked at it very objectively. I am in a state where I just want to be surrounded by love and friends and this is a space that definitely invites that. Am I OK with having a bedroom right at the doorway? Actually that’s kind of convenient. The living room is cozy and there is no TV. The TV is actually upstairs next to the amazing outdoor deck. I can see myself spending hours reading in the sun on Sundays. The kitchen is big and open for entertaining. I tried to think of the downsides – I may hear a lot of noise when people are walking upstairs but maybe that’s what my ear plugs are for. I wear them to drown out the Planetary Citizen’s snoring so why not? I can adapt. Especially if this is my destiny. This is what I remember the High Priestess saying last weekend – she found ways to love the things she didn’t like about her man. This is life. You have to know what you can live with and what you can’t live without. I couldn’t live with my co-workers at the Chocolate Factory because they didn’t respect or trust me. Was it my fault they felt this way? Perhaps. When I asserted myself, my delivery was emotional. You can’t win a battle unless emotion is channeled into a rational plan/strategy/skills.

The best thing I did this week was refrain from writing an email to the Planetary Citizen about commitment and marriage and the future. I was able to express what I needed from him and even if he took longer than what was comfortable for me, I am slowly training him to understand me…with love and patience. I started this painful process with my girlfriends – the Blue Fairy has been easiest because she and I are so similar and she is open; Cherry Blossom has been most difficult because she and I are very different and she is closed. Her biggest concern right now is not our friendship, it’s her man and finding an apartment, which are obviously valid concerns, but she doesn’t realize that not investing time in us will keep us from understanding each other. When she comes around just to eat my food, pick my brain for ideas and steal my friends for her clients, this does not make me feel good. I also don’t feel good that when I call/text her, she doesn’t get back to me. I think I already demoted her from the inner circle so I need to just get over her and move on. I have solid friendships with La Salsera and the High Priestess. Two good women. This should be enough. It’s funny, though, that Cherry Blossom is Latina and she once felt like my sister. Maybe I expect too much from people and this is why I am called intense. Yes. Cherry Blossom and I had good times together just like Azteca and I had good times together and now our lives are in different stages. We all have boyfriends and if those relationships are to grow we have to invest in them, water them, fertilize them…with patience and love. There is only so much energy one has. And the Planetary Citizen is great for me because he requires no energy while he is away. I have the opportunity to grow my other gardens, which are equally important to me. This week it was difficult to do this because of the birth control issue. My body was really rejecting it and I am sure it’s because in my heart I did not want it and psychologically I am not ready for this when I don’t even know the Planetary Citizen’s level of commitment. But what I started to realize while working on The Clumsy Cook story is that I am the one who doesn’t commit and I should turn the tables back at myself if I am to be real.

Red Chakra Monday
I am still recovering from this hormone debacle.

Orange Chakra Tuesday
Reading the new farm’s sexual harrassment policy handbook and it’s interesting how I have experienced most of the scenarios described. “A supervisor regularly awarded promotions, cash bonuses and other benefits to attractive female employees and to women who socialized with him outside of work. A female employee who was not directly affected by the conduct brought a lawsuit alleging hostile environment sex harassment.”

Yellow Chakra Wednesday
I am who I say I am.

Green Chakra Thursday
It is official now. I am going to film school. I have a man who loves me. I have a soul tribe. Now I just gotta be thankful. Is that so hard? Or will I figure out a way to fuck it up?

Blue Chakra Friday
Can’t sleep. It’s 2:08am. There is a possibility that this just might get worse if I don’t slow down. PC’s schedule is overwhelming. Maybe he is just as nuts as I am, and I am sticking around because he is Brazilian and has a Harvard degree. I am superficial. I am so tired of worrying about men. Why can’t I just enjoy my life and relax? I Googled bipolar disorder. I think I may have had it since I was a child. Don’t my parents worry that I am here alone? Or am I 35 now and I should be OK? I am “an adult?”

Purple Chakra Saturday
All is well when I am with PC. Why is this wrong? They teach you in yoga that being independent and solid without a partner is the ultimate existence. So then I decided that this is how I would live, and ultimately ended up developing my friendships with my global family.

White Chakra Sunday
We wake up together but spend the day apart. PC is focusing on his triathlon training and I am getting my household together.
We meet again later to see an animated film about Rio with our respective families – the High Priestess and the Planetary Citizens. It’s all unfolding before my very eyes. I just need to flow with it now.

Red Chakra Monday
We wake up together. This is where I want to be…most of the time. I still need my own space and independence. He feeds me toast with apple butter and chocolate soy milk. “All I need is cartoons and the meal would be complete,” I say. “This is what my kids will eat.”

We make plans to meet at the pool after work.

“I am going swimming if you wanna join,” I say.

“We are going swimming, you mean.”

“No, I say it like that because I know things can change throughout the day.”

I am still protecting myself. But I know I must relax and flow with this. Like the Indigo Fairy once said: “Make your decision and roll with it.”

Now that I know I have been rejected by FIU and Pratt, I feel reassured that I am where I am supposed to be. It’s funny how a part of me feels ashamed that I didn’t get in to the other schools.

“You’re a really good swimmer,” the Planetary Citizen says in the hot tub after our workout.

“Yeah, I know. I could probably get better, but I don’t apply myself.”

“That’s not good. Why don’t you?”

“I’m lazy. I am not competing with anybody. I’m just doing this to relax.”

I guess it’s the same with school. And work. I do enough to get by. At least right now. And this is why I didn’t get into FIU…again. I keep thinking I will get better at writing over time, but I am not even practicing enough. Just like the cgi movies – the script is suffering in the name of technology.

I write everyday but it’s just for me. Time to start writing for an audience.

I watch “Jennifer’s Body” and decide it is a commentary on my life. The beautiful, hollow girl who feeds on the attention of boys in order to feel like she is worth something. Sad. But this is exactly why I need to apply myself now. Physical beauty fades. My beautiful mind can sustain my confidence much longer.

Orange Chakra Tuesday
“Our only chances to cope with global warming challenges lie within the next 20 years – that’s our only window.” – Global Urban Summit panelist Saleem Huq, founder of the Bangladesh Centre for Advanced Studies

Just 3 months later, Summit speaker and IPCC chair Rajendra Pachauri of India would state baldly: “If there’s no action before 2012, that’s too late. What we do in the next two to three years will determine our future. This is the defining moment.”

Sounds like my life choices.