Week 3 of Brahmacharya
I wonder if I could become a healthier, more balanced person if I dated a few men rather than just one. I have never tried juggling because my upbringing told me this is unethical. But I wonder if it could be OK if all parties involved are completely honest about their intentions.
What I am finding out is that not all people are capable of living their life with just one person. These people have different priorities – and sex is not at the top. If one’s main mission in life is to get married and reproduce, that person has (consciously or unconsciously) ranked sex as his/her number one priority.
The irony in this is that over the years romance is difficult to maintain and both husband and wife become less sexually attracted to each other (not true for all…just making generalizations here).
Now that I am alone after spending all of my 20s (and early 30s) being a serial monogamist with the intention of getting hitched (to no avail), I wonder if I could spend the rest of my 30s focusing on a priority other than sex?
Oh lord, what other priorities can there be??? (hint of sarcasm)
Well, as I mentioned above, I could spend my time juggling different men, with no intention of marrying any of them, but that would defeat the whole point of removing sex from its pedestal.
I have the answer after starting my new job.
Work? Huh? Are you kidding? Why would anyone want to put work as first priority?
Well, apparently it had always been my first priority, which is why my intention to marry has always been swept under a rug. I just didn’t know it. My subconscious has been leading me down a very specific career path, and now that yoga has made me more aware, I have consciously directed myself into a job that will allow me to fully express my creativity.
Orange chakra is located in the reproductive organs and is all about the creation process. Instead of channeling all my sexual energy into creating babies with a husband, I am channeling it into my work.
At least, for the time being. There is a reason and a season for everything, I have learned. Perhaps the priorities will shift again at a later time, but apparently if I am to be completely happy, I must allow myself to be living fully in the present, among the people and things in my immediate surroundings.
Building a web site, swimming, continuing my freelance work, managing my tenant who is now my employee, promoting my blogs, keeping up my friendships….
I definitely won’t be bored or thinking about how much I miss my MAN’s warm, comforting body buzzing next to me.
I could actually return to my MAN like a normal person again with interests and goals instead of continuing to play out the neuroses of a broken woman.
“I love you when you’re nice,” my EX once said to me. I cringed when April says this to Frank in “Revolutionary Road.”
And I reacted the same way Frank did in the book – angry that the person I was supposed to be sharing my life with didn’t love all of me and all my imperfections.
Admittedly, I didn’t love any part of him. So I guess we were pretty much even.
I suppose I linked up with my EX for karmic reasons rather than for marriage till death do us part. This is retrospect speaking. Cuz in the beginning, it was just sex I wanted. I happened to see him naked in the shower one night after yoga practice. I couldn’t believe what I saw. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now, I feel shameful for this lust. At the time, it was just a new feeling and there was no reason to judge it. I didn’t even know it was lust – it was just a different feeling, and I was curious about it.
Today I was experiencing this feeling every five minutes, I think. As I was trying to focus on a co-worker’s presentation, I started thinking about…
Well, I can’t say because I am not supposed to indulge in lustful thoughts during this period of Brahmicharya. Interesting that I started this challenge right around Mardi Gras – Lent. I didn’t grow up Catholic so I didn’t get ashes on my forehead and give up something I loved for Lent. But now here I am, at my sexual prime buzzing with creative energy and scenes of me and the man I love… Ugh! Can’t go there.
How do I channel this? Focus on the light. The energy source inside the vessel.
When I was unaware of my power source I just jumped “someone else’s train.” That person’s momentum pulled me. Like a swimmer drafting off the swimmer ahead. Tonight when I was swimming alone in my own lane, I became keenly aware that I was pulling my own weight. Hmm. Maybe next practice I will allow you, God, to drive me and see what happens!
Man, being on my own path is so blissful! It’s very light and bright right now, it’s that time of the month. My reproductive cycle literally controls me – hmmm. Perhaps I can learn how to put more faith on you, God, when darkness comes over me just before my period?
I can also plan better according to my cycle – last week I was dark. I struggled a lot because I wasn’t busy yet. I was in my head wondering why the hell I came up to this snow cold foreign place when my warm MAN and puppies were in Miami.