I could soar if I didn’t get so hung up on the details and obstacles

Week 3 Post-Brahmacharya

Ended up doing yogalates in Dupont Circle and then going to dinner with the Brazilian afterwards. Ivy league educated. Used to trade steel. He is headed to Asia for a month to solve their carbon problems.

He is light energy. I didn’t like his aggressive approach to me the first time I met him, and making him be civilized at dinner allowed us to talk like humans before heading back to his apartment to make satisfying, protected light love.

He is lovely.

Been doing much better at work now that the new web site is almost complete and I have less interraction with the web team and their bad vibes. One of them announced to everyone on staff that “his mother” was visiting. I imagine he was raised just by her and she is an overbearing bitch which is why he is such an overachieving asshole.

At the same time, I finally understand my job. I am considered to be admin, ie, support to the elite academics. The reason I don’t fit in is because I am used to making judgment calls and using all of my skills. But as I have written before, I am a hired monkey who gets paid to do what I am told, not to think strategically…and yet, when they are at a loss for what to do, I take the opportunity to step in and do what I have to do to get the job done. My boss and I are very much the same and that is why we clash. She wants control, she wants to be the smartest, she wants to be a badass. The problem, though, is that she is missing out on all that I am capable of by not getting to know me.

What am I getting at? Well, now that I know I am admin, am I OK with that? It’s like the accountant by day and the rock star by night. Or one of the research associates who DJs at night. The publications admin. The receptionist. These are all the people I get along with, and who I talk with on a regular basis – they don’t define themselves by their jobs.

I am the type of person who identifies myself as my job. If being a fiction writer could actually pay my bills, I would be that.

But maybe it could now that my debt is back to a manageable size?

“Are you truly kind or are your Birkenstocks just a fashion statement?”

It’s all about perspective, isn’t it? I could soar if I didn’t get so hung up on the details and obstacles. Maybe I am getting paid to be a fiction writer. I have a book I have created during this whole process. I have a collection of unedited mash-ups. This was an artist retreat. Can it go on?

My soul mate told me that I should keep this job because of the recession. He is good at what he does when he wants to do it but he is lazy and doesn’t want anyone telling him when to do something (accountability). I am the same. In the entrepreneurial world, flat fees are problematic because workers start to cut corners and just start collecting a check.

I haven’t gone to grad school. Maybe this is why the people at work seem so elitist to me.

I am surrounded by them; I am now dating a lawyer and a scientist with graduate degrees. Hmm.

“Cleavage has undisputed power to control the outcome of a meeting.”

One of the things I love about being on my own here is becoming more comfortable with who I truly am rather than trying to conform to other people’s standards and values.

And yet, I know this is because I haven’t tried to develop relationships with anyone. As soon as I do, everything starts to become complicated. People’s feelings get hurt by the things I say and do. I do my best to be a friend, but I can’t go out of my way to change myself so they feel more comfortable. Right now I don’t even know the polite thing to say to an invite to a friend’s party. She is being totally nice. It is easier for her to make friends because people don’t automatically feel jealous and inadequate and horny around her. I know. It’s a fucking rude thing to say, and perhaps I am saying it because Leo energy is in full effect, but this is how people react to me. And the best way I have figured out for handling it is by remaining aloof, keeping my distance, hanging out with gay boys. My friendships with women are better thru email.

When I teach yoga I am giving. I am light. I am not selfish.

My priorities, in order of importance:
1. Home, Safety, Family
2. My writing/My Art/work
3. Yoga
4. My friends

What does 35 look like? I have a place I call home. Is this The Brain in Miami? When I went in June, I felt at home. I cried. My heart felt at ease.

If I moved back, I would continue building my freelance projects. To make up the money I would lose from leaving my day job, I could teach yoga. But it will take time to build classes. And I will become desperate to pay bills and meet my standard of living.

Instead, I could start teaching free classes here without the pressure of marketing/advertising. Boundless Yoga seems to offer quality instruction. I like that studio better than any of the others. It could be the studio where I develop Chakra Girl. I could teach classes on Sundays.

So I guess that answers my question about where I live. Not Miami. DC.

What does a 35-year-old, college-educated natural yoga techie Latina’s home look like?

Maybe I can find something affordable but big enough to have guests. I like Columbia Heights. I like Logan Circle too – this is considered to be DC’s “art district.” All my boys live there too.

I am in NYC. Just met with the co-producer of my documentary. It was perfect. I am so glad this project is still happening. Just before the meeting, I ran into a beautiful Croatian investor with eyes like the MyAmi Ocean. He sat next to me at the restaurant.

I hope he calls me.

I am sitting in front of my friend’s apartment. She is making me wait for her. She is being weird. Maybe it’s because I don’t know her that well and I am staying the night with her? Who knows. Maybe she is with a girlfirend. Lesbians are so complicated.

But it’s almost 5pm and she is not being a very willing hostess. I should have brought her a gift.

So the big question this weekend is what am I doing next? My brother and I talked about building a business and the kind of attitude it takes.

My aunt and I talked about not being desperate when selling. The main thing is to just be yourself and not care if people buy or not.

I successfully hooked the beautiful Croatian investor. I made him want to meet me again before I left. I sucessfully helped my friend to think about how to get out of her toxic relationship.

I showed my writing soulmate The Adventures of Chakra Girl and he asked, “What’s  the corpse she would have her foot upon by the end of the story?”

And I deduced that it was sadness. My own and others. This realization came from talking to another friend when I told her my visioning board was a Buddhist scroll that instructs us to be happy and to make others happy.

The pursuit of happiness. I feel truly happy in this moment, sitting on the Bolt Bus back to DC. I feel like a light shining from place to place. The Croatian commented that I just fell from outer space into his life but just for the weekend. He will think about the randomness and syncronicity of this occurence. Who am I? Why did we cross paths?