Week 15 of Brahmacharya
Started reading “Eastern Body, Western Mind” after spending a super-spiritually-charged weekend for better or for worse with my mentor…she has really immersed herself into her spiritual seeking and I think it’s fantastic, but a bit draining. Good mirror for me. Talking about your spiritual discoveries for hours and hours is boring after a while. I can see how I have probably done this in the past. Time to start exercising my humor chops.
But before I do that, gotta say that this book nails exactly the journey I have been taking here in the Capitol of Power. I randomly opened it to the chapter on second chakra and suddenly the answers I have been seeking were literally flooding over me.
“Sexual abuse wreaks havoc on relationships where issues of trust and intimacy come into play, and many abuse survivors choose celibacy and isolation rather than take the risk of further betrayal.”
“By filling our own vessel, our neediness decreases and we are better able to receive. Our giving then comes from a more mature place of fullness rather than emptiness.”
If the second chakra is excessive, it can be balanced by developing the chakras directly above and below it, namely those of will and grounding.
It appears that my “soul mate” and I were attracted to each other because I was excessive in my second chakra and he was deficient (has a rigid boundary and lets very little energy pass into its core). This is why I sensed, when I met him, that he was “containing” his sexual energy around me.
And this dynamic works for him in Miami because there are so many women leaking their sexual energy. He fills up and moves on. It’s a really intelligent strategy he’s got. Is it unethical? No. As I mentioned in a previous week, he doesn’t force himself on any woman. He doesn’t have to because the women are throwing themselves at him. Ha! I cracked the code!
“Restricted movement inhibits the flow of excitation through the body, inhibits the nourishment of chi, lowers the breathing and metabolic rate, and diminishes the emotions. This makes the person fragile and for protection, boundaries are kept strong in order to keep out unwanted energy that might induce change and threaten stability.”
“The second chakra relates to the element of water, and an excessive second chakra has a container that is weak due to poor boundaries, spilling and scattering the water before it can nourish growth inside. There may be a need for constant movement, making it difficult to stick to one thing long enough to manifest.”
Aaaa! This is so me. The traveling character I created based on my first sexual experience. I didn’t negotiate boundaries with the boy and when he rejected me, I decided I would travel from city to city. It was a “flight” survival tactic.
So this brings me to a crucial juncture in my story. All this time I have been tormented about staying or leaving DC, even though I had already made a commitment to Miami. I left to pay off my karmic debt, not to start all over again. This is a Gaiden. And I have to keep reminding myself of my mission: to become more energy efficient.
As I am riding the bus from work to yoga, I am thinking about “my soul mate.” And then he calls.
“Hey mind reader.”
“Thats right,” he says. I can hear the wind of the beach in his phone. “What are you doin?”
“Riding the bus. On my way to yoga,” I say.
“Aww. How cute. Now I think of your feet dangling. You’re sitting in the back of the bus?”
“Yeah, it’s good feng shui,” I say.
“You can see everything,” he says.
“What are you doing?” I say.
“Just looking at these boats out here.”
“You getting one soon?” I say.
“No,” he laughs.
“I might!” I say. “There’s a girl at work who co-owns a boat with her sister and another friend.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of that,” he says.
He tells me we have traded places. He is now $13,000 in karmic debt. He has stopped making payments on his house.
“But I have more than $15,000 in invoices to collect,” he says. This was true back in November, when I was still swooning over him.
“You need to give yourself the advice you gave me last year,” I say.
“You know me,” he says. “I get lazy for a while, but when I need to work, I do and I make shitloads of money.”
“Have you been swimming?” I ask. He says he went yesterday but he can’t find his goggles.
“They’re in your room somewhere, did you ever get around to re-organizing it?”
“Somewhat,” he says. And I know it probably looks the same.
“I have been better at staying organized here because I have so few things,” I say. “They’re sending me to California in August before my birthday and I am thinking of renting a car or motorcycle and driving down the coast to LA.”
“If you get the motorcycle, I’m in,” he says without hesitation.
“I have friends and family we can stay with in LA so we can save money on hotel that way,” I say.
“I would rather stay in a hotel, not with strangers,” he says.
“Well, that’s expensive – can you pay for that part?” I say.
“Yeah!” he says.
I guess we shall see!
“I’m looking forward to visiting next month,” I say.
“June 28, right?”
I laugh. “You’re so funny. You never remember. First you thought it was June 6.”
He really does have no concept of time. And this is why I love him.
“I’m renting a car so I can get around. I was wondering if we can take some new photographs,” I say.
“Of course!” he says. “We can take choco and chippy down to Islamorada.”
“Really? That’s even better!” I say, although I know he has said this in the past and once I get there, he just wants to stay home or he “has shit to do.” Best NOT to have any expectations with the spontaneous man.
“So are you gonna stay there?” he asks.
“Funny you should ask. I just got an email from my landlord asking about my plans. There are pros and cons. I like riding the bus. I enjoy the urban culture. But what do you think? Do you want me to come back?”
“You have to make that decision,” he says. “But I know you like the beach and swimming.”
“I know. I just want to be smart about it. I don’t want to come back and have no way of making money again. I have a good salary and health benefits.”
“That’s right. You can do your work anywhere.”
“It’s just that these people love to have meetings.”
“What are you gonna do with your apartment?”
“Just gonna leave it empty. My parents talked about staying there for a visit.”
“I have a family friend staying with me,” he says. “She may want to rent it.”
“I thought she wouldn’t like my neighborhood,” I say. “And she will need a car.”
“I have to ask her what her plans are. I want my studio back.”
“Well, you can use my apartment for your studio,” I say without thinking.
“How long have you been gone? When did you leave?”
“I got here February 15,” I remind him.
It must be the longest, most ping-ponging conversation I have had with my soul mate. We speak when there are things to discuss.
It was a negotiating conversation. My first and third chakras were containing and balancing my second chakra, which is usually sucking up energy from 1st and 3rd when I talk to the object of my sexual desire.
In most of my sexual relationships, his will takes over my will. This was true for the College boy, the Artist and the Villain. It was also true for my soul mate. But not anymore. I am changing my approach to love. I am keeping my power. I am not giving anything up out of blind faith. I am always the one responsible for me no matter who comes along in my life.
I am thinking that I will move back to Orlando, not Miami, in order to be with my true family. The people I truly care about and vice versa. I will base my decision on people over planet (geography) and profit.
I feel that my soul mate truly loves me. In his way. Not in the Disney, packaged way. It’s real. It’s not a fairytale. It does not follow a linear path because we are humans, not robots following a predefined template. My family is following this template because they didn’t experience sexual abuse as a child. I veered off the beaten path and became aware of other dimensions. Am I full of shit?
I would like my soul mate to be more affectionate with me. I will have to be more affectionate with him. Hold his hand. Kiss his cheek. Rub his arm. I can’t be afraid. My heart must be open.
The German tells me there is a DJ from his hometown playing at U Street Hall tonight, and after swimming, I think of going since I have that feeling again that I am traveling, not just working…a “working vacation.”
He says I can get in free if I RSVP on Facebook. So I do. But then I make the mistake of checking the news feeds. Ed Miranda posted pics of a recent BBQ. I know my soul mate must be there. And sure enough, there is a picture of him looking very cozy with an Urban Mermaid. She is cute. His type. Single. Smart. I would probably like her. I am sure he is sleeping with her. Just another beautiful girl. Why does it feel like a punch in the stomach to see them? Because I wish it was me sitting next to him. Basking in each other’s light like we did at the Valentine’s Day BBQ last year.
Waa waa. Why waste energy bad tripping? This is what I get for veering off my Gaiden and peeking into his. Our paths will cross again soon enough and we will be basking in each other’s light! Besides, my self esteem was too low to continue dating him. And so, the universe or the spirit of my Abuela or maybe even my own intuition guided me to the Capitol of Power. This is the center of the universe. The leader of our world lives here and my office is located around the corner. I am charging up. But what I just read in the Chakra book confirms the comic book story I have been writing about Chakra Girl: the emotions from 2nd chakra are the fuel for 3rd chakra. And my emotions in January were full of doubt and uncertainty about my soul mate: Did he love me? Were we going to be together forever? Would he leave me for someone else and break my heart? This dinosaur fossil fuel was feeding black sludge to my heart and this, as we all know in this era of climate change, is that this fuel is not sustainable.
Wind, solar and energy efficiency. So I am here, absorbing this new energy so I can return to Planet MyAmi powered by renewable energy.
If I connect the dots…
I didn’t get into grad skule. This was supposed to be my concrete, red chakra reason for returning. Now I am trying to fabricate a new reason…and none is coming easily. I can’t justify returning just to be near my soul mate. That was OK last year, but this year it’s not. Why? He called yesterday. We made plans. But there is something missing. A committment? I don’t know…maybe I don’t want to share him. It stresses me out too much. Or maybe I should remember what I wrote two days ago – I should follow my heart, not a concrete reason.
I am in love with my soul mate. I want him to be my lover for life. Do I want to be one of his girls? Or do I want to be his exclusive girl?
Am I ready to be in a full-time relationship right now? Today? No. Will I be ready in September? Don’t know. But it seems like a few months is not going to be enough to stamp out my demons.
Last night when I saw him sitting cozy with the Urban Mermaid, my stomach lurched. My whole body went numb. I thought I had complete control over my emotions after reading about red and yellow chakra supporting orange. Perhaps I need more exercise. But I felt reassured by this reaction. If I didn’t feel anything then that would mean I was over him and could move on.
I want to say to him: I am in love with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else. If I move back to Miami, it’s to be with you. While I was away, I worked on my self esteem so that it is not dependent on you. Yoga, swimming, art, writing, music, work, dancing all fill my soul. They make me feel whole rather than putting all expectations into a single person. I came to the consclusion that if I am to share my life with any man, he must also be the same way. You are. We could easily live our lives separately if we are both completely full. So why do I want to be with you? Or anyone? I am a spiritual, sexual human being. My body is a sacred temple that holds my spirit. And I do not want to share my spirit with just anyone. I met a lot of people in the Capitol of Power, both men and women, and I had no desire to share my life with any of them. I didn’t feel anything and I was using our connection as a barometer. Your energy matches mine. Together, we create a frequency that catapults me to outer space. You inspire me. You keep me dreaming. You make me grow. You do everything I always hoped for from a lover.
I am happy that I have achieved this with you and I hope to nurture it over the years. But I can’t neglect everything else in my life because of it. I love Miami. It is my home. I want us to appreciate each other. If we see each other all the time then we may take each other for granted. I want to grow old with you. I want to live with you in a house someday where you will make art and I will write. I don’t want to share you with other women. I thought I was interested in this because I know you like to be with other women. But now I know that introducing another person’s energy into my sacred temple for pure pleasure is not healthy for me in the long run.”
He called on Monday out of the blue. Have I even thought about the significance of this? Was this his way of telling me he wants me to come home? He asked me how long I have been gone. What does this length of time mean to him, if anything at all? Perhaps I am overanalyzing? He is a man of action, not words. Maybe he was trying to figure out how he feels by asking questions and listening to my answers. Maybe he met someone else that is making him reconsider what we had. Like Deepak Chopra says – life is best lived when you maintain uncertainty so you can be open to something better when it comes along. And something better always does come along. If you tie yourself up with one commitment, you miss other opportunities. I must be misunderstanding this aspect of Deepak’s lessons. Because how can you achieve any of the goals you set without commitment? Is it pointless at this point in my life to try to align myself with another person? I tried so many times and it never worked. Why? Maybe it’s not so much a lack of self esteem but too much. I have always been on my path and when anyone tries to fuck with it, I rebel like a banshee.
Perhaps I ran away from Planet MyAmi. I am just scared. I am afraid of repeating the same mistakes. I want to make healthy choices. I want to create beautiful art.
I think the best thing to do is wait and see how it feels to be with him after all this time apart. Then I will know for sure.
My new idea: Teach a blogging class at Miami-Dade College again. I bring even more expertise than I did the first class. If I can get this then it is a good way to return to Miami without hinging everything on my soul mate, which wouldn’t be the right thing to do anyway.
Got an automated email response from the college saying that the director of the literary arts program will be away from the office until August and to contact someone named Jordan instead.
Just sent it. And now I shall wait. If I don’t hear back in one week I will call to follow up.
Option 1: I come back to Miami. We date exclusively because we love each other and want to share our lives. I work as a blogging teacher at Miami Dade.
Option 2: I go back to DC because we are not ready to be exclusive and settle down. I remain single. I don’t have sex with anyone else because I want a commitment before I give my energy away again. We still want to be with each other, just not right now. We visit each other once a month and meet in different cities for vacations.
Option 3: We go our separate ways.
What if I go back to Miami just because I want to?
What if it’s not just Miami? Isn’t my goal to just be virtual so I can be wherever I want and continue working?
Mobility. Connecting. Communicating. Marketing. Social networking.
Yoga is the process of managing human energy efficiently.
Sailing around the world. A 16-year-old girl just did it. Alone. What does this say about me? 34. Alone in DC and afraid to pursue my dreams?? Bah!
She kept a blog about her travels. How does this plan all fit together?
Looks like I can have Internet access the entire time – but what if it disconnects? It seems like this girl was able to blog without interruption.
Realization – it is important for me to have my own career with a man like my soul mate otherwise I will focus too much on him and the “relationship” rather than just being with him during our free time. Keep my work my work and not expect him to give me “emotional support.” I just want to have a good time with him. We don’t have to make our relationship into a co-dependent, needy thing. And yet when we are sick or need help we are there for each other. No drama. He is perfect. I love him!
The thing about fear is that you don’t just defeat it once. It keeps coming back, in different forms, to test you. This is what they mean when they say the end is always just the beginning.