I went to Beacon this weekend for an Alpha Retreat with 5 men and 1 woman.
It’s supposed to be a time when people are supposed to be filled with the Holy Spirit, thus changing their lives forever.
It felt a bit forced, to be completely honest. By 40, I have learned to move in my own time and schedule, not when an authority figure announces, “it is now time to be filled with the Holy Spirit.” This isn’t something that just happens with the snap of fingers. It’s a process. And I know my process, although I was not able to articulate it with this group. It was not the time, nor the place, and I have learned that the Holy Spirit expresses itself when it’s good and ready.
So of course I got the Holy Spirit as soon as I stepped inside my purple cocoon, when I could actually disconnect from the thoughts and energies of the 6 strangers in my midst for 24 hours, and re-connected to my heart. I immediately watched the 6 previous versions of “The Femmebots” trying to fill her blank space with boys and Dr. Nutmeg’s rules, but ultimately not finding peace until she filled her vessel with Chakra Girl, the character I created to describe the energies of the chakras in yoga, and now I’m realizing, is also The Holy Spirit, who controls the Factory, aka, “The Brain” inside The Femmebot.
I have all these code names for everything that is essentially founded in Christianity. I suppose I can just admit now that I am a Christian. Always have been and always will be, no matter what cool cult I’ve discovered in this or that corner of the world. If I can come out about it, maybe the rest of the things I truly desire as a woman shall manifest. A husband would be nice. But I made a vow to develop a deeper relationship with Chakra Girl…the Holy Spirit. Whatever. Same same, yeah?
So, part of that is remaining celibate until the right man comes along. This seems nuts to me right now. At 34, this was OK. And a man certainly came along, but he didn’t stick around. So what is different now. At 40? Am I really interested in starting over the whole process of dating? Perhaps that period in my life is over and something else I’ve never tried is beginning…