Week 18 of Brahmacharya
I am going home this week. Finally. After four months of working, learning, stretching, swimming, creating, writing, cooking and healing, I am going back. It’s just for a 3-day weekend. But my heart beats faster just thinking about it. I will be with my soul mate again. I had a dream last night that we were in bed together sleeping. My face was buried in his neck. He had his arm around me. We were one person joined together in pure love. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t hesitant. I wasn’t doubtful. His heart was open and so was mine.
It’s almost summer solstice.
I am thinking about how I will interact with my soul mate when I visit this weekend. Do I just go with my heart? Do I just pause brahmicharya? Do I withhold sex in order to keep my power? Do I confess that I am scared to have sex with him because it makes me weak and unable to think about anything else but him? But perhaps this is my problem, not his. I have to be in control of my own emotions. I love him, plainly put. I haven’t seen him in 4 months. He has been working out and I am looking forward to touching him. I know that when I exchange energy with him, I always feel good. It’s my addictive personality I don’t want to trigger. For example, I never want to smoke pot again because I don’t want to ever feel paranoid and scared again. Does this mean I never have sex again so that I never feel needy again?
I had a dream about the villain. He approaches the back patio and I try to lock the sliding glass doors but it is too late. He is inside and singing romantically. I flash back to when we just met and he is singing a love song and going through all the motions of romance – flowers, incense, candles. He has the same template for every girlfriend and it works on all of them because they were all brainwashed with the same chic flic and Disney ideas about romance.
You’re here again.”
“Yes, I am here,” he says and puts his hands around my neck. Blackout.
This is so morbid. Do I write it as a horror or a black comedy?