Will I Ever Be a Lover Again?

Week 16 of Brahmacharya

“My Soul Mate” tried to call but my cell phone was turned off. Then my roommate asked me again if I had talked to him since I saw him with the girl on FB, and I had already told her I did – was she trying to tell me she saw something new on his FB page? Ugh. Could I handle yet another punch in the stomach?

I had just gone to Boundless Yoga, my new studio for the month, and I was feeling particularly “aligned” so I went for it. His status update said something about flaky people and he was glad to have friends in his life not like that. Finally something from the heart rather than the weather or the news. Hmmm. I could take my own advice!

So I checked that I liked his status – further down the page he had a pic of his abs! Doesn’t get anymore narcissistic than that! He has apparently been crunching his way to a stronger self esteem and wrote that he had “3 months to go.” That’s exactly when I am supposed to go back to MIA. What is he up to??

Suddenly a chat box from him pops up.



“What r u doin up so late?”

“Just updating my music web site,” I write. “And looking at your abs! LOL!”

“Yeah, I’ve been working out almost everyday. I let myself go too much.”

“I’ve been avoiding ur FB page. I get too nostalgic.”

“Awww. You will be here soon. We will make the most of it.”

“Like we always do!”

“It feels like u r too far away. I miss u stretching me, u lil yogi.”

I read in the chakra book about the excessive and deficient heart chakra. I was excessive and he was deficient. Are we healthier now? Can we give and receive love to each other more better after this time apart? He actually expressed himself last night. He is making an effort. But I know for sure that I have to meet with him as a yogi rather than a lover when we see each other. I recorded myself reading the deficient heart chakra and I will listen to this on my flight down.

I am awake early. 7am. Going to the office early so I can leave earlier and go to yoga. A part of me is afraid to ask if I can work virtually. I don’t want my supervisor to think I don’t want to work for the organization. I do. But I want to be in MIA. Why? I thought I knew before. I thought it was because of my soul mate. Is it now? I am his yoga teacher now, not his lover. I am going to Christy’s Anusara yoga class before I see him on Saturday. Maybe I should invite him?

The deficient heart chakra is like a dead battery that constantly needs re-charging. He has been doing this by being with different women.

20 years after losing my virginity, I finally understand the rule against sex before marriage. This wasn’t a commandment that was trying to tell me how to live my life. But I rebelled against it and every other rule because that’s just me. I didn’t believe anyone could tell me what to do or how to think. I wanted to learn for myself. And I surely have. No sex before marriage was put in place to protect me, not to hinder me. And so, apparently I want to get married eventually. To whom? I guess the universe will make this known when the time is right. For now, I relish in the fact that I have no man sucking on my energy or vice versa. My life has improved 100 fold without having a man around. Huh! Who woulda thought???

But still doesn’t tell me what’s going to happen this fall.

I am always breaking rules. Has this brought me happiness? If anything, it has made me live a very interesting life.

I wonder if my mom missed work after she quit to raise me and my sister full-time. I wonder if my dad felt more secure having her at home rather than pursuing her own ambitions, and meeting other men with more money.

I have the day off today because I am going to Virginia Beach so I can visit my cousin and his cute wife. They are both solid people – seems like everyone in my family is solid except for me. I’m such a watery fairy. I tell them that I love my job and I love DC, but it’s hard starting all over again. Everyone is new and I miss my community in Miami. I am continuing to invest in them from afar. Editing scripts, web content, bios and marketing plans.

Maybe I will do a yoga teacher training in the fall at Kripalu Center in Massachusetts. I look up the information online. I could go for one month, Oct 24-Nov 19 for $4,500. The teachers are solid – 30 years experience and hooked up to the Nosara Center in Costa Rica.

I will not ask to work virtually. God is in control. I will follow my heart. After watching Avatar and talking to a Miami Writer about activism in Miami, a place where true work can be done, I know I have to be fearless. There is no time left for fear.