Why I Suck at Relationships

Week 5 of Brahmicharya

It starts out with a bang. Literally. Well, no – I’m not that slutty. I usually wait at least a week.

There have been two instances when I didn’t force myself into liking someone out of neediness or boredom. These are the instances I call “True Love.” the first time it was with a boy on a bus in San Francisco. The second time was with a man who reminds me of the boy on the bus, grown up.

But for most of these relationships, they start with a bang of excitement. They are all fun and pleasurable for about a year and then I become boring. I lose my personality and I start wondering when he is going to dump me. Because this is inevitable with boys who date me.

I suppose it all began when I was 14. I was too young to be experimenting with sex. I was a child inside a woman’s body. Boys were always checking me out. My self-esteem had plummeted right about this time because my family moved from one city to another and I had no friends. I went from being popular and smart to a pimply Puerto Rican girl in a mostly white school. I hated everyone. So when boys paid attention to me, I felt good. Their energy filled me up. Literally. And when they took it away, I was hollow. A shell with boobs and butt. A walking body. In other words, a vampire. An energy sucker. Or maybe they were the vampires sucking on my innocent energy. Who knows. Maybe the sucking was happening both ways?

All human relationships require two-way energy. One person sucks, one person leaks, that is, unless each human has a relationship with the sun, the moon, the water, the earth, or the universe. Then each person draws energy from those sources so that they can just give to each other. This is not to say that this couple can’t assist each other when imbalance strikes. They are together in order to help each other along their respective journeys…not to create obstacles.

And yet all I did in every relationship was create obstacles. I was in a constant state of fear, and always with one foot out the door so that I could run before he did. I never trusted any of them. I thought they were all using me for sex. I didn’t think any of them were really interested in my hopes and dreams and my creative mind. No matter what they did I had already made up my mind, based on the first experience I ever had. That first experience shattered me. I had no idea I would wage war against the opposite sex for the rest of my life. And I had no idea that men and women could actually be friends AND lovers.

I have been a pretty unbalanced chic all my life. And I’m fed up with it. I want to be balanced. I want to have good relationships with my friends AND my MAN. This time away from everyone is helping me become stronger in who I am, I think. I have been doing yoga everyday at Yoga District and now Studio Serenity. This is my medicine. This is my key to balance. This is how I will stop being a vampire and start being a loving, light yogi. I don’t want to be a broken woman anymore. If I keep up my practice, by the time I am an old lady, I will be abundant love surrounding me on all sides. Because this is my ultimate goal. To love and be loved.