YOU ALWAYS RACE IN THE LAST STRETCH…
For the past year and a half I have been trying to communicate with you so that I could be more successful, but you were always distracted by your “extracurricular activities…
Image of B-O-Y screwing blond assistant…
Cutline: Does this mean I’m getting a promotion?
Image of B-O-Y screwing his wife and kids swarming around…exponential numbers
Cutline: I am Catholic…what is birth control?
Image of B-O-Ys staff screwing each other
Cutline: Everyone is screwing…why not?
B-O-Y: “What’s your username and password? Your last check is next week. You’re a typical Miami woman. Pack your things and leave…What have you been doing for the last 10 months?”
The thing is, I had packed my things 6 months ago when the height of his extramarital affair drama had become too much for an idealistic girl who wanted to save the world. She had been working too long for the devil. She had to leave before his venom could penetrate her heart.
Her mistake was thinking she could take her baby with her. The baby was never hers, though. She was a mere foster mother, attached to a child with an unfit parent. She tried to raise the child on her own, but eventually she would have to give the child back. It would grow without her.
What would it become without her love?
The last straw was drawn at harvest. His lack of interest, his obvious body language that he had more important things to do, more important things to say, made her realize it was a losing battle. She felt numb with the knowing. She felt strangely detached. She knew that now was the time to let go. She was tired of trying to get his attention when others were asking for it.
There would be other babies to birth, other babies to raise. Babies not rented, but ones she could call her own.
B-O-Y: You had every opportunity to be successful! By this time in my last company, I had a whole news team at my company!
Gysela: I couldn’t do everything by myself! I kept asking for help or to work more with others in the company, but YOU ALWAYS SAID NO, even if the people were the ones I BROUGHT to the company.
YOU SET ME UP FOR FAILURE. I SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE.
Image: AIR Mob mentality
Cutline: Out of the belly of the plane to nowhere, Gysela jumped with nothing but her integrity and faith.
Pluton is still on the plane.
Gysela: 50% of me feels relieved and 50% of me knows that I was clumsy and I could have made my exit more graceful. That has been my lesson over and over but I haven’t been learning from my mistakes because I have been moving through life UNconsciously.
Pluton: But you have that karma hanging out there and it’s going to affect you in the next life. I recommend you re-visit at some point for closure. He’s really fucked up. Like a B-O-Y broken up with a girlfriend.
Gysela: I know. I was playing out drama from my childhood when I stopped trusting B-O-Ys.
CUT TO FLASHBACK
Image of Gysela tossing and turning in bed…
Cutline: I shouldn’t have eaten meat before bed…it gives me nightmares…cut to nightmare sequence of Gysela realizing she is not 100% witch, which is why she felt 50% one way and 50% another way.
Gysela visits St. Augustine to talk to her Faerie godmother. She walks around the historic downtown and finds out that she is very attracted to the Faerie figurines she sees in the various spiritual stores.
Gysela: The other part of me is faerie! I’m going to the light!
Image of the yoga pose she did in the pool with the Black Pearl and the Goofy Guru as another Femmebot watched and encouraged her.
But then Gysela wonders if she is limiting herself. There may be other manifestations in her DNA — peacock, chipmunk, frog, lioness, goddess, rabbit…
Images of Budakon.
Gysela now understands that what she did was calculated. She got her closure. She did not need to re-visit the Devil so that he, too, could have closure. That was up to him and not her J-O-B. He is a big B-O-Y and would figure it out eventually.
Figure what out? He may have been a successful entrepreneur…a one-hit wonder. Because he was a terrible investor, manager, mentor, trainer. “The scientist is not always the best CEO,” angels have said.
I got a dishonorable discharge. When your captain feels scorned and tells you to “Pack up your things and leave,” it is not a nice parting. It’s quick and hard, like a guillotine to the neck, because the slow peeling of the tape is just denying it won’t hurt.
This is why I left the way I left. At least that’s my rationalization today.
It changes daily. Some days I think I “sabotaged myself,” however I realize this isn’t my interpretation, this is Kiro’s. And he didn’t experience it. I did. Some days I think I’m leaving “bad Karma” in the energy vortex of Miami, however I realize this isn’t my interpretation, this is Pluton’s.
But I did what I did because it was completely me. It was authentic to my own interpretation of the situation. My own personality. My own beliefs. No one else’s. No matter how I try to look at it from other perspectives, I can’t change what I did and I can’t feel regret either. I know that what I did was because I hate the negative effects of American Capitalism and individualism. I suppressed my creativity and motivation for the sake of morality.
I have been thinking, however, about the card I am going to write to him and snail mail to his house at Battersea:
Thank you again for allowing me to learn on your dime,
It was another experience on life’s wacky timeline.
Although our last words were emotional and inopportune,
I was glad we could finally be honest and move on to things we really wanted to do.
I also want you to know that I stayed as long as I did because I really did love that publication, and I was making it profitable little-by-little….slowly, because that’s the message I got from angel investors, who are known for their patience, unlike brokers and serial entrepreneurs, who are looking for the quick flip.
I know you tried to teach me the art of “good timing,” but I take longer than I should to un-learn bad habits (although apparently 6 advertising campaigns for most people), and your impulsive behavior did not set a very good example (when you yelled at me and D’Arrianne for not printing a marketing material, getting huffy with a woman who wanted to know how she was added to your mailing database and battling/kissing/cuddling a co-worker in your office).
I had “bad timing” with the message I delivered to you on Nov. 8. And your retaliation was obviously pent-up judgments you had never delivered (that I am a failure, a “typical Miami woman” and that you “challenge me to become successful” with my next venture).
As much as I hate to admit it, I am REALLY glad you said all those things. I needed your perspective because I can only see my own. As much as I try to look at myself objectively, I have a hard time because how can you BE inside anyone else’s head besides your own? I mean, we can GUESS what another person is thinking, but really, how do you KNOW? Couldn’t we just be projecting our own judgments and fears?
Apparently, the way to know is COMMUNICATION. You talk to people. You ask them questions. You find out what it is they are thinking.
You and I stopped talking right about the time you stopped talking to most people in the company – when you left the country for 3 months.
Because I always considered myself to be an entrepreneur, I had no problem with this. I thought it was SO GREAT that the boss was gone while I was building my own publication. I started making my own judgments, hiring my own freelancers, building my own company using magical money that appeared whenever I needed it to.
I think I got spoiled.
I didn’t mean to. That’s the result Willie Wonka and the Oompa Loompas warn us about when Veruka Salt demands another purchase from her DADDY!
And so, I realize why I fit the stereotype of “Typical Miami Woman.” I took this guy’s money and spent it exactly how I wanted to. But except for spending his money on name-brand handbags and trips to see my family, I spent it building a virtual real estate property:
The Angel Journal
And to this day, he doesn’t see its value. Why would I want to keep associating with a fool? I took nothing that doesn’t belong to me, or that I didn’t earn myself, back home with me.
And I left him a treasure yet to be discovered.
To be continued…
Dec. 8, 2008:
I was afraid the whole day. I was not solid in my mind, and so my yoga poses were shaky. I felt jittery standing on Kiro’s shoulders because fear had taken its grip on me the night before. Being in business for yourself means having to be nice to everyone and smiling when you don’t want to. Am I cut out for business? The B-O-Y said that I am not.
Was he right?
He was accurate for the time. I wasn’t cut out for his level of business. I didn’t have the stamina. I didn’t WANT the stamina. I wasn’t educated to understand the stamina. And now I am getting educated. On my own terms. On my own dime. At PBA, they gave me a scholarship and in exchange, I had to subscribe to their style of learning — and besides the Christian dogma, it was excellent! They trained my brain to think in multidimensional formats:
Same lesson, different perspective.
At UNC, I learned how to navigate a larger world without a mentor.
I learned and am learning about the power of propaganda from all angles. How it affects the brain and suggests that you do this or do that. I got mixed messages so I’ve been zig-zagging around life, not fixating on one path. This helped me get different perspectives. This helped me understand different points of view as I compared them to my own. I am coming into consciousness. I am learning about myself and how I tick tick tick.
So, no, he is wrong — I have the ability to be successful in business. With the proper formula, I should be FLYING HIGH AMONG THE ANGELS.
I know that I can be unlikable and off-putting to many people after they get to know me. I am a very intense person and passionate about my work. I am passionate about my work, not because of the money I could make, but because of the people I get to work with and talk with. There are so many interesting people out there, and I like to ask them questions that get quickly to the root of who they are. This is why my personality is great for being a journalist. These quick, but deep encounters with people, are enough for me. If I were to describe my career personality cinematically – I’m more of a 2-hour movie than a long-term TV series – which basically means I prefer to be engaged with someone for 2 hours than spend a whole lifetime with them. ____ said, “Trust a few, love all and do no harm on others.” I agree with this formula, and it is how I am structuring my company.
Because I need balance. My career is my career, not my family. I am not interested in spending the best years of my life with a bunch of strangers who don’t love me. I already have a circle that loves and supports me: My family. And that is why my family personality is more like the long-term TV series – it’s ongoing, the characters develop as the stories change and it doesn’t ever seem to end. Not even after death (or the last episode).
This is why I work virtually. It suits my personality as a writer. I can meet in person with people I really want to meet with. I can focus on my work with minimal distractions because I am alone.
It occurred to me that even though I live in Miami, my clients are elsewhere (San Francisco, Orange County, St. Augustine). I am a virtual worker. It is difficult for me to act like people want me to in social situations. When I just am, and completely natural, they don’t accept me because my ideas are too outrageous and my manner is too rough for a pretty girl. So my strategy is to save my ideas for my work and be a journalist in social situations. The more questions you ask, the more they like you.
But can I honestly say I don’t want to make money?
No. I do want to make money. I am interested in making money that supports the lifestyle I want to live. And what is that lifestyle exactly? Over the next 5 years:
1. I am traveling.
2. I am writing.
3. I am making $150,000 x 10.
4. I am investing in improvements to 10 NW 126th Street because it is a good place and whether we decide to stay or go, we will benefit.
5. I am investing in improvements to 1500 NE 127th Street because it is My First Place and my retreat from a world still inspired by majority testosterone.
6. I am working with ethical people all over the world.
7. I am giving all people love and reserving my anger for yoga and writing.
At 38, my cousin Jim is still “The new guy” at his job. Being a pilot today isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s practically a blue-collar job. My cousin went through a lot of schooling to realize a dream he declared at 10 years old.
Why things didn’t work out the first time…
AN ADDICTION TO POWER
Jan. 10, 2007: I shot two videos with entrepreneurs looking for money — Russell Bryant with GoUrban.net and Bill and Kathy Bishop with Mountain River Lodge. I felt powerful. When Darcie Lunsford called to ask if I could write an article for her Miami Real Estate section, I immidately pitched 55th Street Station and Soyka. I felt powerful. Sadhu forwarded the green light from Sophie. I felt powerful.
Jan. 10, 2007: Inspiration
The only one who inspired me today was Kiro. When I’m tripping over stupid setbacks at work, he instant messages me kisses and love.
January 12, 2007: Integrity
Jenise and I had our first meeting as a power couple. She hooked us up with a media buyer who might help us develop our media kit. If he isn’t a typical Miami guy, there is a good choice this will happen. And setting my intention will certainly help.
Jan. 13, 2007: Blank
Today is whatever I want it to be. As Saturdays should be. It was an amazing one spent with chocolates, Kelly & Kiki, partner yoga at The Standard, Maurice from Seattle…we all got assessed and adjusted by a natural healer who said I had a cyst on my uterus. Apparently it is gone now.
Gysela after the retreat in Doral…
She realizes she should keep her distance from Pluton for a while, for their missions were very different and their strategies even more so. In order to maintain respect for her sister’s path, she would limit their touch time.
Pluton was much better at navigating the Underworld. Gysela was happy to be free and breathing the air as she flew around the clouds, stars, sun and blue of the sky without the machinery of Mob Mentality Airlines. It was here she was in her element. She was good at navigating this world.
Gysela: Be well, Pluton! I know you will succeed in your mission! I will be here waiting when you return! And try not to fuck anyone while on your mission…
Pluton: I am going back down because I still think there is some treasure only I have the power to unlock! Same to you…don’t fuck anyone OVER up there!
Gysela looks up at the sky, her feet planted firmly on the ground. She shades her eyes from the warm blazing sun. She knows Pluton will be OK. She will jump when she is ready, when the stars are aligned just for her.
And Gysela will wait patiently until that time comes so they can embark on a new adventure together…