Week 11 of Brahmicharya
This week I am focusing on accepting myself for who I am rather than hoping to become some kind of all-knowing enlightened being.
“I am an independent single woman in my 40s not interested in dating.”
That was an experimental sentence right there. I meant to write “in my 30s” but I hit the “4” key instead, and then I thought, “Hmmmm?”
And then I thought of gay men, and how people say, “If being gay is a choice, why would anyone choose such a hard lifestyle?”
Similarly, I wonder, “If being a single woman is a choice, why would I choose such a hard lifestyle?”
Clearly society is harsh on older single women because they can’t compete sexually with men equally anymore.
How about this?
I am a married woman in my 40s.
Or, what about, “The Miami Yogi, 42, has published three graphic novels and directed two films. When she is not filming on location, she lives in Miami Shores with her soul mate, a fine artist and photographer for Ocean Drive Magazine.”
I like that.
As you can see, I have promoted my MAN to “soul mate.” Why? I realized that when I call him my MAN, I am being possessive. But he doesn’t belong to me. “With a soul mate there is no karma to deal with or work at. All you have is an enjoyment of being in each other’s company,” I read in an article.
When I met this man, I immediately recognized him as part of my soul family; my “tribe,” so to speak. I have met many people like this in my life, both men and women. I just happened to attach myself to this one in particular because his shell, or the temple, containing his spirit is HELLA attractive to me. When I look at him I melt. I quiver. I shiver. My panties immediately drop. And then on top of that, he has this massive BRAIN and innate talent. No wonder I am not the only woman who chases this man. Ugh.
I never wanted to chase him. I’ve just been myself all along. We tangoed beautifully. He called when he was supposed to call. I wasn’t available all the time, but I never played games. We both gave each other the benefit of the doubt.
Is this still true, two months after leaving Miami?
This month kinda flew by. That’s good. I don’t want to wish my time away. I am focusing on enjoying every moment. Full, rich moments. No rushing to my 40s.
“You can plan all you want but what you forget to factor in is that you’re old,” said my dad when I told him I was working on my 5-year plan. Is it realistic for me to think my soul mate will be living with me, when he could very well be living a much better life as a successful bachelor dating women in their 20s? While I believe in allowing time to reveal the answers, it seems I could also use my mind to create a strategy. I don’t want to be worrying about my sex appeal when I am in my 40s. Am I worrying about it now? I just got this haircut that makes me look…in a word…HOT. I feel sexy.
My soul mate has stopped pursuing me because I am not geographically accessible? No, I deduced that we both have questions to answer before investing more time into each other. This is healthy. What are the questions I need to answer?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
I am a Miami Yogi. I am 34.
In 5 years I want to be:
1. In a committed relationship with a man who loves me for me. Is it my soul mate? Is it someone else? I am not pursuing anyone. They can pursue me, the way a man should. I am finally in a place where I am not desperate for a man’s attention (except for my soul mate’s) and I am still attractive enough to have a nice selection. Maybe it’s not my soul mate? I will hold out for the right one – and play by the rules.
2. A published author and director/producer of scripts I write at Greenwich Studios in North Miami. Did I get into FIU? Will I find out this week?
3. A successful web site manager and investor
Will I be able to handle the web team this week? Can I keep this job without living in DC full-time?
My soul mate Skyped me today after getting a call from a potential client. It’s only because of business that he contacted me. I kept it all business until something came over me and I wrote, “Hey, are you still there?”
“Ye,” he wrote.
“Just wanted to let you know I miss ya.”
“Already? It’s only been a couple months.”
“Shut up,” I write back.
“Sending a kiss,” he writes.
I send him back a beer and then he starts complaining about working, that he would rather be painting.
My emotions are flat. I am surprised that I didn’t feel like getting run over by a car.
This man does not love me. For me to plan my future around him would be catastrophic. If he does not miss me now he will never miss me in the future. He will always sleep with other women. He will never care about how I feel…he did once, but he cannot sustain. Only when I am right in front of his face does he seem interested in me. And even then, he barely acknowledges me. I have confused my business partner with my life partner. I am slowly detaching now.
Who am I foolin? I am SO attached. Whatever. Gotta focus so I can be a confident web team director.
The music producer texted me to find out if I was going to yoga and I felt like it wasn’t his business so I didn’t reply. I don’t want to get into the habit of all these people knowing my whereabouts. Yes, I wanted to make friends here in DC, but I don’t want to feel obligated to do this or that for them. This is MY story, dammit.
Of course I saw him on my way out and he’s all defensive about my lack of response.
“I read an article about texting etiquette in the New York Times,” he guilt trips me.
“Good thing my bible isn’t the New York Times!” I say on the fly.
“What is your Bible?”
“I’m not gonna get into that conversation right here in the hallway.”
“Why not?”
“The Bible is one of them,” I say. “And other sources. Bye!”
Ignore everyone. Just like the guy instructs in “The Ugly Truth.” Except I am doing it naturally, not for kicks. Perhaps this is what I learned from my soul mate. He preached about self-sufficiency enough for me to get the message again. It’s the same message I got from my dad, so I knew I could trust it, unlike my ex, who made me feel like I was wrong for not laying down doormat style for everyone in the name of love.
Sure enough the Barista is texting again. I ignore it. He has a girlfriend. Not tryin to mess with him. I want to be his friend but I don’t want her to feel threatened by me.
At yoga, I was having fantasies about teaching all over the world, not just Miami. Maybe this is the chakra girl character. She is a yoga teacher. Love and light. Fully balanced, all the chakras spinning in perfect harmony.
It’s my last day practicing at Studio Serenity. With B-O-Yz stalking me, I think I won’t renew at this studio. I will try others now.
I have lab work to get done on K Street. Blood and urine to find out what kinds of diseases I’m carrying.
I get to work same time as usual – like I didn’t even have the appointment. It’s cool. Surprise in my email – I am going to California for the Summer Study conference the same week as my birthday, which falls on White Chakra Sunday this year. I will be 35. What if I go to Japan afterwards? Can I go alone? Do I want to go alone? Can I go with someone? Who? A girlfriend? A gay boyfriend? Or I could go to LA and visit one of my friends. I’ve got options. But I still don’t know if I got into FIU. Urg.
One of my Chakra Girlz texted me that my soul mate is in her latest video so I had to go to his FB profile. I haven’t visited in about a week to avoid torturing myself. And sure enough, I am tortured. He has some new nude paintings posted as of Monday. It’s a new girl. She captured him. And so, I am sure she is keeping him company in his bed. I am outright jealous, tormented, upset, pissed… Chakra Girl wishes him happiness and love.
I suppose I am a fool to think he should not explore new inspirations for his art. But it does break my heart, nonetheless. I exposed too much too fast to him and now I am paying the price, so we all reap what we sow, right? He followed all the rules, I didn’t. It’s no wonder I am the one who is the loser.
I am trying hard to embrace my life here because there are so many opportunities. I am speaking Spanish with a Venezuelan B-O-Y I met at the pool. I am in my own story, not my soul mate’s.
Are we even? Do I need to keep trying to sustain this story? It’s no fun when you’re trying to force someone to dance with you. It’s more fun when they are right there with you, excited to tango as much as you do. My soul mate has lost interest in me. My ego is bruised. Is my heart broken?
It’s weird. As I process the idea of my soul mate sharing his love with another woman, I feel OK. I think of how he was with me and it seems fair that he should do this for all women that intrigue him. He is not bad. I still love him. Am I just rationalizing so that I am not upset? Am I just choosing not to react to reality? What is reality, though? How other people react to this situation, and me mimicking them, like a child mimics the actions of his parents?
Why do I want to live with a man who isn’t just satisfied with just me? Is it because I have low self esteem? Is it because I want to be with someone who isn’t needy and wants me to be around all the time? Is it because it’s more exciting to have different people flowing in and out of our lives? Is it because I just genuinely love my soul mate exactly the way he is and I don’t want to try to change him?
Last year I wrote about people getting stuck in stories they don’t know how to end.
The universe naturally ended my chapter with my soul mate. But because I understand the laws of the universe, I know there will be future chapters, which is why he wisely left it open-ended, rather than making some dramatic closure.
Why do people who love each other have to settle down and get married and live on top of each other forever? Maybe they don’t. Maybe there ARE different ways of living, it’s just that we don’t hear much about them because they are still for the exceptional few rather than the mainstream.
Perhaps one way does not yield happier results than another…they are just ways. I have tried the mainstream way over and over and never felt completely happy. Maybe because that’s just life. Like dad said this weekend: “No one is completely happy all the time.” It was a characteristically pessimistic thing for him to say. He doesn’t know about Deepak Chopra or the light that shines within us. He has chosen to dismiss his spirit in favor of tangible, scientifically proven things. I understand this. I didn’t know spiritual things were real until I broke one of the 10 commandments: Thou shalt not commit adultery. The pain this causes on others comes back for you. I am paying my karmic debts right now.
Is it twisted that when I think of my soul mate inserting his energy into this girl, he is reviving her, the way he revived me? And instead of thinking of him “cheating” on me, he is actually giving his love to someone who needs happiness? He did not force himself on me or any girl – he wins and she wins. He is the angel in Barbarella. He does not treat these women like whores. He treats them with utmost respect and love.
When I told him he was “the one” perhaps I meant the “next one” who would propel me to the places I wanted to be. I absorb people. Upon our first meeting I saw that he was a filmmaker, artist, photographer, thinker, traveler, entrepreneur – all the things I wanted to be myself. Perhaps this is why the universe made our stars collide…and yet, I could only know this now. Maybe he knew all along and that’s why he dismissed my professions of love.
But he did say that romantic love doesn’t last. He is right. And yet I would still sleep with him if I could.
Maybe I could. The doctor just called to tell me my pap test came back negative and I don’t have HPV. After all that unprotected sex, I don’t have HPV, thank God. I guess I will have to wait for the other STD results after doing today’s lab tests.
Next health care item up is eye doctor. And then dentist.
And now my soul mate is Skyping me. Not about business, though. He is telling me about the latest drama in his apartment building. Someone tried to break into the bike rack in the parking garage where his motorcycles are stashed. Funny I was just thinking of my bike the other day. He and I are still connected. He is not getting the hint that it is time for him to evolve. He is such a Taurus, so fully set in his ways. As I Skype him, I tell him my plans for my comic books and perhaps going to Japan. He expresses interest, surprisingly. I am pulling him now. Like he said – a tango is about push and pull. I am getting stronger here in the Capitol of Power so I can pull. When we are together again, he will lead and I will follow.
The Venezuelan is trying to play the romantic Valentino role with me and I’m already too old too fall for it. He’s cute, funny and speaks Spanish so clearly it’s amazing I can understand…but when we dance, I can’t seem to follow him. And then he accuses me of trying to lead. So I tell him he has to be more “fuerte” with me. He is only 25. He couldn’t possibly lead me, despite his extensive travels, which are attractive to me, along with his World Bank mission of alleviating poverty. But he is still not my soul mate. He can handle me. He can lead me. The Venezuelan is probably what my soul mate was like 10 years ago. My soul mate doesn’t realize yet that his age has made him better. More attractive. More desirable to women. Or maybe he does realize this and that’s why he doesn’t want to just settle on one.
It seems like I am able to keep him in my life by kicking business his way. It feels right after all that he did for me last year – re-designing my web site, housing me, feeding me, supporting me emotionally. He really is a good man. I appreciate him more and more while I am here in DC.
I feel like he was made specifically for me. He does not know this yet, but after dating more women while I am away, perhaps he will know.
Who am I loyal to? God, myself, my family, my soul mate. Do I also need to be loyal to my employer here? Or is this just a side story? The Astrologer reminded me that we need to make choices that will help us survive once the economy crashes. I am here to pay off my debt. That’s the main focus and the test is to see if I get distracted by the “hit music record” man or the steady paycheck or the Venezuelan or whatever else…
My hands look different today. Older. Are they just dry? Friends have been asking me all week about when I’m returning to Miami. Ideally, I will return in September. That’s the plan. Do plans change? Is Miami calling me back already?
Have I been lying to my employer about my intentions for moving here? I knew all along I didn’t want to move to DC, but I still did because it was the right opportunity at the right time for the right amount of money.
Did I get into FIU, sheesh!!!?? They mailed the notification last week and it still hadn’t arrived. Is this information relevant to my decision? YES! If I got in I HAVE to go back to Miami in September. If not, I can just start visiting on weekends? For Book Fair. For Art Basel. It’s not about making decisions based on my soul mate, which is difficult for me. I want to be in his life. But I am not now. I guess even if I don’t get into school I still want to live in Miami.
I will bring my work back with me. After the web site is built, I will have more options. Do I really believe that I can set everything up perfectly? I just want to make sure my heart is aligned with my intentions. I don’t want to make any decisions based in fear. Who knew that navigating life would be so much work???
Still nothing in the mailbox. How am I supposed to plan with all this uncertainty? ugh. Just talked to my writer friend. We talked about going to Japan together. He is more likely to go than my soul mate is. Again, if he and I are supposed to be together, wouldn’t we talk as much as I talk to my friends, if not more?
I have adopted the assumption that being married is an easier lifestyle.
As I sit in the direct sunlight, on my own, during my lunch break, I savor the simplicity. No baby crying. No man to answer to. No parents to please. No sister judging me. No brother – well, he’s perfect, so no complaints there.
Being alone is somewhat of an art form, isn’t it? Yesterday I was disappointed that the comic book writing workshop was canceled. But not devastated. Is that the worst thing in my life? Hell no.
Today I am already planning the next activities. Belly dancing starts May 8. I can practice at Flow Yoga for $50 unlimited for the entire month.
I am thinking about romance. I love it. Everything in the beginning is just better. No attachments. No obligations. Right now. I am relishing my contentedness. I am making no conclusions. Because tomorrow I will feel different. In a year I will feel different. This is samahdi.
I suffer from extreme arrogance and pride – those are my vices as a Leo. I have been working hard to be more humble through yoga and empowering my co-workers in the building of their web site but I feel conflicted about my loyalties. If not for my mentor I wouldn’t have this job, so I want to be loyal to her, but I don’t know if it is ethical to share information – she makes it seem like it is collaboration but it seems to me like she is using another organization’s resources for her own gain. Or her assistant is. Or I am. What the fuck???
Am I just a pawn in the queen’s game?is Is my mentor the insecure red queen in Alice in Wonderland?
It all seems like fiction, which is why I should not be working in the real world. My right brain always trumps the left.
“By the time I get back, my left brain should be fully developed,” I text to my soul mate.
“Spoken like a true Femmebot!” he writes back. He must think I am a nut.
And now that I am here, he is slowly fazing me out of his life.
“QT! Big kiss. Miss you!” he texted me last week.
It surprised me, but it gave me false hope.
Finally. The verdict came in the mailbox. A thin envelope that could only be a rejection letter. My writing sample wasn’t strong enough to beat out the competition, the letter states.
And just like that, the rest of the year is suddenly open. I feel a sense of sadness that Miami is not officially pulling me back yet. But I also feel a sense of relief that I don’t have to tell my employers that I have to do my work from Miami because of school. I don’t think they could handle me working virtually.
What if I am meant to live in DC and just visit Miami like a normal person? I have three weeks paid vacation this year. Next year I have four.
I created the first comic strip today, finally. So perhaps I don’t need an MFA to continue pursuing my art.
If I go to Japan, I won’t have any vacation left for the holidays or Art Basel. Although I could just start doing weekend getaways to Miami.
Should I call my soul mate tomorrow to tell him I didn’t get into school? Do I need to tell him? When will he become part of my story again? I bought him a gift card to Whole Foods today. I thought it would be a nice contribution to his BBQ next weekend. Just like last year I helped him get stuff from Costco and organize the food. I was being a house wife. When I think of my life as a housewife, this bores me. If I had gotten into school at least I would have more structure. But going back to Miami without school doesn’t seem to make sense. Yes, I would be with my soul mate again, but I don’t want to be his housewife. I want to be his lover.
Do I sound like Madonna, or what? “I don’t wanna be your mother. I don’t wanna be your sister either. I just wanna be your lover.”
Yes. That’s what I want to be with my soul mate. I want us to be lovers forever. I want to visit him. When? Probably June when my tenant moves out of the condo. Maybe I will do an extended weekend?
My dad calls from Massachusetts to see how I am doing. He sounds restless and maybe a bit frustrated. He may not be able to stay with my Tia because she is coming to DC at the end of this week. I tell him to get a hotel in NY, that he can afford it.
“That will cost $300/night! I don’t like staying in hotels anyways,” he says.
So instead of visiting his home city, he’s gonna return to Florida? Doesn’t make any sense. He is 70. How much time does he have left? When will he let go and just follow his dreams? Is he too set in his ways?
How about me? I always dropped everything in the name of adventure. I almost got lost in the adventure, but I am functioning in so-called “reality” now. You know, doing my part to keep the machine working.
“At some point you need people,” my employer said to me in her office as she explained the hubris of one of our co-workers.
“You always need people,” I reply. I tried to be a solopreneur and I practically had a nervous breakdown like Jasmine. I found myself attaching to my soul mate as a wife, then living with my parents, re-connecting with my family, cooking food as an act of love…because being a Femmebot in a virtual world with only my fantasies was not reality. It was an insane asylum.
So maybe not getting into FIU will allow me to balance work, family, writing, my soul mate, friends, travel…not devoting almost 100% of my energy into writing may be healthier for me at this point.
Geography…
I texted him to call me a few days later, after I found out I didn’t get into graduate school, and he texted that he would call me later, but he never did.
I had a big dramatic cry after that. I hate doing that. Makes me feel so weak. Like my life revolves around someone who barely gives a shit about me. Ever the spin doctor, I Googled: “health benefits of crying.” And sure enough I found articles that told me it’s OK to cry to let go of pent-up stress. After the cry I was all business. I decided I wasn’t crying over my soul mate. I was crying over not getting into grad school. My plan for returning to Miami in the Fall is now foiled. It means I have nothing left to return to. And perhaps I asked my soul mate to call me as a test. If he called, then maybe I did have something left to return to: him. But going back just for him at this point doesn’t seem a good enough reason. If he were trying to include me in his life by calling me once in a while like my other friends have, then maybe I would feel differently.