Week 1 Post-Brahmacharya
After reading what I wrote back in March about my boss not trusting me and my co-workers not liking me, it appears that the situation has not changed and I would rather not spend more time and energy with people who are so short-sighted and unable to allow people to do the jobs they were hired to do.
Have I learned the lessons I needed to learn, God, so that I may move on to my next mission?
What is my next mission, Lord?
Am I a fair-weathered prayer? I only call on you when I need you? No, I try to count my blessings and acknowledge that I am pretty much powerless without the force of GOD.
I asked to work virtually and they told me no. When I told them there is a better, more efficient way to develop their web site, they shut me down. Maybe there are good reasons for this? I was able to connect the dots more easily when I got here. I was more aware. I feel superficial again. I feel insecure. My confidence is suffering. I pitched my marketing strategy and my boss didn’t look at it. Maybe I have this all wrong.
My job is not a place for me to be creative. It is a place for me to do what I am told to make money in order to support my creative work. These are separate things. Having money come in on a consistent basis has allowed me to act more freely without fear. I have a foundation and I am no longer desperate.
Once the web site launches, I have a big task of learning how it works. The princess in me doesn’t want to take the time to do this. The Chakra Girl in me knows this knowledge is power, and I need to get over my reluctance and just start digging in. The escapist in me wants to run away and forget about all these challenges and annoying people who chose a platform I don’t know. I am worried about not having enough knowledge and support to manage the web site.
I can keep running or I can face my fears with courage.
I chose not to have a husband and children. I can manage these things, I am just being rebellious and lazy.
What do I really, truly feel in my heart?
I am so disconnected from it, I am having a hard time knowing. But this life here in DC is very superficial. My energy is sucked by my day job. I have been fighting them since the beginning, whereas I flow with my freelance projects.
I can leave my apartment anytime now. I can go to LA. And do what? I haven’t quite finished paying my debt.
The same problems will follow me no matter where I go.
Just when the mundane was about to settle in, something remarkably literary occurred. During a Google search of the Patent Lawyer, I discovered he had experimented with law in virtual worlds. Suddenly the keywords began lining up. His sister, whom he regards highly, and considers to be smarter than he, is an architect. I am a virtual architect.
The coincidences didn’t stop there.
On the same day, my boss told me she used to be a Rainbow Girl. “Rainbow Girls volunteer for their community and travel around the world, visiting other clubs and making lots of new friends.” Sounds exactly like the “Chakra Girlz!”
Maybe Chakra Girl is the spokesperson for the new EthicalMarkets web site! She will be reporting the eco-news by sailboat.
Pow! Bam! Serendipity strikes again!
On the same day, my landlord says my roommate and I aren’t invited to stay in his apartment after our 6-month lease ends at the end of August. My condo has no tenant and my lease here is ending. Coincidence?
We just had our monthly staff meeting and the bulk of it was about our group health insurance policy, which covers employees nationwide.
My cousin says I can stay with him in LA as long as I want. But how will I make money?
What about love? It hasn’t found me yet.
I could leave to LA or go back to Miami, but there aren’t any concrete reasons, so I am staying in Washington.
Apparently I want to grow. But I want to work more flexible hours. I can give my boss weekly reports on my work rather than cc-ing her on all correspondence. I can make strict boundaries between work and personal life. I don’t want to be like my boss when I am 63 – a control freak who works on weekends because she can’t delegate and doesn’t trust the people she has hired to do good work.
It occurs to me that I should find a place outside the city in order to keep myself safe from distractions. I imagine a bright, airy loft/studio that requires me to take the metro, away from the madness. Something that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, and that doesn’t stress me out financially. Something I can call my second home. Something that feels cozy in the winter time and cool in the summer. Something that reflects my personality when I walk in. Bookshelves. Coffee maker.
What I do know is that life is too short to be stressed about money. I need a solid game plan.