I always think every man I date is THE ONE. I got all bent out of shape last night because I couldn’t see the one I am currently obsessed with. I started to freak out that yet another man was going to let me down and NOT be all that I want him to be.
After spending 24 hours with him, bringing him into my space and sharing my dreams with him, I feel fulfilled and happy and like anything is possible. It’s so crazy. Before him, my “soul mate” was the most amazing man I had ever met…now this man I have met in DC is the most amazing man I have ever met. How can I appreciate him fully without getting attached? Self control. Stay in my own story. Don’t expect him to fill up my heart. Keep healthy boundaries. Maintain my friendships.
He planted a seed. He asked me if I want to have kids. I told him my honest feelings. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I told him it seems irresponsible to have kids in this world of climate change. To produce another little energy sucker seems to go directly against the cause we both stand for.
Without him saying much I debated myself in his presence by pointing out that the world could use more smart people like me and him than idiots who procreate without consciousness. But do I have to give birth to my own child to do this? Couldn’t I adopt a child who needs a home and guide him/her just the same?
And then I start romanticizing. This man and I would have a beautiful super child. But that’s not guaranteed. We could have a down syndrome child. I could end up in a hospital bed for months.
I told him this is something I am open to but I will not pursue it as if it is a career.
But I am telling the universe, that now that I have met this man, who says he is crazy about me and is open to being married and having children, and who I find incredibly sexy and intelligent and adventurous and passionate and flexible and not perfect, that I am open to being a wife and mother.
I went to bed literally buzzing with light energy. Is it because I am close to ovulating? Is it because I took a yoga class last night with a pregnant yoga teacher whose energy was down to earth and not so intense and nervous like the teachers at Boundless?
I am always jumping trains.
Today is Orange Chakra Tuesday. The day when I become a traveling gypsy and focus on all things creative, including my reproductive organs.
The game I am playing with myself is called, “can I maintain my happiness and be focused without my lover’s attention?” I have been fast forwarding to think of what life could be like with him and comparing it to going back to Miami to be with the politician. Huh? Since when did he become a contender? My mom liked him. She said I should marry him. I don’t blame her. He is clean cut, Harvard educated, passionate about making Miami a better place, made the effort to come see me in DC, made the effort to see me all 3 times I went to Miami, meditates, owns real estate, treats his mom like gold, would propose to the woman he loves by getting on one knee and doesn’t seem to be much of a partier.
My DC lover is also Harvard educated but he is a planetary citizen, loves a great party, cooks, eats and screws like Dyonysis, wants to save the world, is tapped into his indigo consciousness, has had plenty experience, both positive and negative, with love and romance, made the effort to call me on his way to a Middle Eastern country, and jump through the hoops I set up for him: waiting 10 days for a mere lunch date and coming to MY part of the city, attending a yoga class after a long day of work…paying the whole bill for our lunch/brunch.
If this were a novel (silly thing to write, I know), I would be the heroine caught between the choice of practicality and romance. Ah, but this is the story of the Urban Mermaid.
The politician feels safe and practical. My planetary citizen is dangerous and irresistible. Why is he dangerous? Maybe he is only dangerous because I have already let him into my solar system and I am scared he will fuck it up instead of honoring and respecting it. He can only honor and respect it if I teach him to. And I have done well so far.
I don’t have to exert any effort with the politician. I can completely relax. I have to be on top of my game as a woman with the planetary citizen so that he always knows who is in charge. I could grow old gracefully with the politician – not worrying about wrinkles and fat. I may have a hard time growing old with the planetary citizen, who likes shiny things. But that’s why I have to be strong now.
He called to share what he has been up to over the last 2 days. Been running around like a mad man because he does his best work on deadline. He says he wants to manage his time better.
“I am rooting my feet into the ground,” he said. “And now I am going to take care of my heart. I’m on my way to listen to some jazz with some friends at the Black Cat.”
And then I tell him that I bought groceries. “You would be proud,” I said. We apparently have an influence over each other. It’s admiration and inspiration, whereas the politician and I are friends. Last night as I brushed my teeth I imagined what being married to the politician would be like. I would live in Coconut Grove with his mother living in the cottage. I would have 2 kids – back to back – since there isn’t much time left. We would drive up to Orlando to visit my parents once a month. I would be writing fiction full-time, using what I learned while I was Chakra Girl disguised as a Femmebot in Washington, DC.
I wouldn’t worry about being 42 and alone. I would be with a politician. And we would talk about ethics in bed after sex. Sex? I can’t imagine having sex with him. He is so much like my brother.
I entertained the thought for as long as I could. But I cannot marry for practicality and safety. I will marry for love. Right now I love myself and the way I interact with the planetary citizen. I am making the decision to open myself completely to the possibilities with him. It’s a chance I have to take because it is real. The less effort I make the more happy I may be in the long-term. He is not my boyfriend. When he gets to that level I will give more. But for now he still needs to prove himself. I invited him out for Saturday night. There is a 70-80 chance he will make it. I know he can be flaky, but it will have been a week since we’ve seen each other so the odds are that he will make it. Since he is not my boyfriend I must keep my options open.
I understand now what’s happening. On 4th of July weekend I willingly left the Miami story and entered the DC story. I met all the characters at the same time: Cherry Blossom, the High Priestess, the Matchmaker, the Butterfly, the Planetary Citizen, the Urban Mermaid, the Photographer. I told the universe I was ready to move on. It opened the door for me and I walked through.
And now my job is to tell the stories of our adventures.
It’s weird because the night I went to the art show and met the German and his friends, I could have easily squeezed through the wormhole…but I didn’t. They didn’t stick. Not even the German, who I genuinely liked. But he didn’t want me. Played games.
The other group stuck. Perhaps we are part of a karmic family. My non-profit family gives me the structure and discipline I need. And these others…well, they are testing me and my limits just like the other karmic circles I’ve run in…the Sharky clique, the tropical hippie clique, the Latin artist clique…
I just remembered why I chose to be on my own for a while and why I can’t have a man’s arms around me every night. Because I disappear in a man. The self that is me hasn’t fully emerged and isn’t strong enough to block, tango and roll alongside another. Or maybe that’s my history. I have been consciously testing myself lately. I called the Dragon Lady last night to test my yellow chakra against my intense dislike for her. I was ready to tell her the truth that I intentionally disconnected from her on FB because she uses people for what she needs and gives nothing back. Is this true? She gave me a jump last year when my truck died at Sharky’s house. She gave me knives when I moved into my condo. She has cooked many times and invited me.
I guess what I would tell her (because my feelings are valid and they are coming from somewhere) is that I was hurt that she so quickly refused to house me when I was visiting San Francisco…we are at the point in our friendship when the answer should always be, “Hell yeah girl, come through!” And if the answer is no, we should be adults and pick up the phone and talk and give the whole story so that we understand each other and can share our stresses and worries. This is what friendship is. This is what long term friendship is. Complete honesty. We have to be able to be open to each other.
This is why the planetary citizen is so appealing. He is completely open.
I met a German hotel guy who said the season in DC starts now. I was puzzled because now is when it is getting cold and I want to hibernate. This is when season begins in Miami and everyone becomes social after hibernating in the A/C all summer.
Who am I?
I am a storyteller.
When it comes to dating, I have learned that things work out better when he leads. This is how the universe works. This is how nature works. No matter how much freedom and knowledge I gain as a woman, I will always be the neck and he will always be the head.
The Planetary Citizen says he loves strong women. His mother was obviously a strong woman. He checked in with me again last night. He told me he has been doing his homework and that he has worked more this week than he has in the last 6 months. He told me he was going to a friend’s birthday party and then going to bed at 11pm. He says he wants to go to the Halloween party with me on Saturday night. It is funny how I have transformed from his lover to his mother this week. I don’t want to be a man’s mother. I don’t have to be. Maybe he is preparing me? And I am preparing him to be a father?
The planetary citizen said that while he was at grad school for two years, he socialized with people outside of school.
This is what I have been doing here – Cherry Blossom, the photographer, the high priestess, the planetary citizen, the Burmese Princess, the Indian Princess, the white Asian girl, the high Femmebot…hey! That’s a nice handful of people. I am not putting all my eggs in one man’s basket.
“I like you a lot,” I said to the planetary citizen this morning. “I am starting to get attached. Is that OK?”
“Eventually,” he said, rolling over to hug me. “We need to take it slow.”
It’s crazy to think that us lying in bed naked is “taking it slow.” But that’s just how it is in the average Planetary Citizen’s world.
“Are you on the pill?” he asks me, as we are in the throes of passion.
“No, that’s why we’ve been using condoms.”
Afterwards, I tell him birth control is pointless at my age.
“If I get pregnant, I am having the baby,” I said.
“You mean you’re trying to get pregnant?”
“No! I’m just saying that I would have a baby with you if that’s what happened. I think you’re awesome.”
“This isn’t something to take lightly. It’s a serious matter.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say. “I’ve been thinking about it all week. You planted a seed last week and I’ve been looking at it from all angles since then.”
“I did what?? How??”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to freak you out. You asked me if I wanted to have kids and when other men have asked me this, I usually say no, but you triggered something that made me seriously start thinking about it.”
“What did I say? I don’t remember-”
“We were talking about stupid people continuing to procreate and smart people like us not having kids to save the planet from yet another energy consuming heater.”
“This,” I say, pulling at the elastic of my panties, “is the best birth control.”
Even after this conversation, as I am brushing my teeth in his bathroom, he begins caressing me.
“We don’t have a condom,” I say.
He rushes around madly in search of one but even after he finds it, he doesn’t put it on. We are consumed by our urge to…what?? Exchange energy? Yes. Subconsciously, what? I know I could have a baby now. I did my research – I have health insurance, I get 3 weeks paid vacation, I have a home large enough for another person and the planetary citizen said that he wants to be a father.
I am not trapping him into anything. If I have a child, she/he will be a love child, not some kind of planned scientific experiment. He/she will be the product of love, passion, music, art and political change.
Like the wise Maia said on the airplane to San Francisco, “You manage with what you have.”
I have to prepare myself for the upcoming week. I can’t let myself get down if the planetary citizen doesn’t call/text. More than likely he will not after the bombs I dropped on him. I know what I said wasn’t entirely cool, but I was being honest and true about where I am in my life and my intentions. If his life doesn’t sync up with mine I can’t cry about this. Instead, I have to be thankful to the universe for the time we spent together and continue with my life. I am a young bohemian. I am living my life to the fullest and exploring all my feelings, desires and thoughts without shame, without guilt.
Gopi said to “ease into the pain” of our second chakras. I have so much pain in this area, which is meant for pleasure.
So on Orange Chakra Tuesday I took extra time in the morning to meditate on all the boys and men who have come into and out of my life. When I think as far back as the Jewish boy, I realize that he, and all the others, are gone, but I am still here. I don’t long for the Jewish boy anymore. I don’t long for the Artist anymore (although looking at our Halloween pictures does trigger me a bit).
So this longing I have now for the Planetary Citizen, a man I didn’t care about a few months ago, what is it really? He chased me and I loved it. The attention really appealed to my ego. And he apparently enjoys this chase because now that I’m a sure thing, he has totally changed his energy toward me. Now I am inviting him to do things and he is rejecting me. The ego is screaming. The only way I can think of to get my power back is to stop sleeping with him. I won’t enjoy it anymore, anyways, because it has gotten to that point when I begin playing the record of doubt and worry: “Am I just good for now and he sees no future with me?” I already spent a year and a half of my life with a man who always kept me at a distance and insisted on “taking it slow.” I like the Planetary Citizen but I don’t need him. He is another man who is too involved in his own work to truly give me the attention I desire from the one I share my precious sexual energy. Yup. It’s a precious, endangered fossil fuel. It will run out if I don’t figure out how to renew it. I need love, not sex.
The year of yellow chakra is approaching. This means I am becoming stronger in my will. I don’t want to act with ego, though. I have to “own my issues,” as Cherry Blossom would say. I can keep practicing working on them with the planetary citizen, as my astrologer suggested. “It’s through relationships that you evolve.”
I learned yesterday that I should NEVER invite the planetary citizen to anything on a Mon, Tues or Wed because I spend the entire time wondering when he will get back to me instead of being focused on my work. He had already invited me to a party Sat nite and I will see him at my party Fri nite. So I know he is still interested in me. Like my mother says, “Play hard to get.” The Planetary Citizen is Latin so he understands and enjoys the games. He already said I shouldn’t get attached and that we should take it slow. OK. I can do that. No sex this week. He will be leaving for a month and I refuse to miss him. This is MY story and if he wants to be my love interest then he will have to say that he wants more. But right now he doesn’t. So I have to remember that!!