Week 17 of Brahmacharya
I am an Americorps veteran. I was taught to immerse myself into a place, and create a program that would improve the lives of the natives beyond my term of my service. Perhaps I have been creating a program that would improve my own life this time.
I want to spend time as friends, not lovers, with my soul mate. I will not sleep with him at his apartment. I am not going to be dramatic about this meeting after four months of distance.
After seeing how my cousin and his wife are friends, I am focusing on friendship.
My soul mate is not the center of my universe, although the contents of my brain would tell a different story.
Balance. Focus on red chakra roots today. Ground your feet into the earth. Think about work.
I stand on my own two feet. I do not need to think about anything else. Focus.
I am getting used to 9-5 again. Part of me is glad for it; part of me wonders if I am losing my spirit and freedom. If I stay here, I will be enslaved again. If I move back to Miami, I can…do whatever I want without the pressure of big fat bills…wait a second. What’s happening here?
“Have I told you how grateful I am to have you on staff?” said my co-worker, after I solved yet another IT issue. The regular woman is on vacation and suddenly everyone has IT requests and problems. Another co-worker’s computer got a virus yesterday so we had to do an emergency clean-up. Today I set up email accounts for two of our employees. My co-worker said she was glad I was there to manage the situation. Another co-worker said I was smart and fantastic.
I called my soul mate yesterday after work and we talked about electronics and my fiction.
The next day I felt like talking to him again. So I called. But this time he didn’t answer. I want to talk to him everyday. I want to be able to connect with him after work. Is that wrong? Is that needy? No. I just need to be open and honest. It is all I can be. No more games.
Suddenly it hits me that it doesn’t matter if he thinks I call him too much or that I am being too needy. I realize that I just need to do what is natural to me. Why did I think he had to mimic my behavior or vice versa? I am the eccentric artist girl and he is the solid, quiet man by my side, grounding me, while I inspire him.
Before attending the art show, I stop into a furniture store that has tons of animal prints. What’s up with that? Why is this fashionable now? My roommate is crazy about her zebra prints on the sofa. I don’t think I care for this style. I think of my condo at home on Planet MyAmi. The colorful Thai retreat living room and the minimalist bedroom. It’s a good contrast. I think about how I have neglected to make a home for myself all these years. I just didn’t care…or I had a different definition of home – a man. When my soul mate put his arm around me the first night we met, I felt like I found home. I felt safe. Content. Is it wrong to put this on a man? Well, it goes back to the eggs. If I put them all in one basket, I forget all the other elements necessary for happiness.
It made me happy to attend an art show. The photographer is a cool guy. Down to earth. Talented. Thoughtful. Open. Before he arrived, I met a cute little chipmunk from Ohio with dreams of becoming a curator. I told her about the shows I curated and she was inspired. We exchanged numbers. Yeah! Old fashioned instead of Facebook!
The photographer and I talk about the beeswax sculptures in the middle of the room. We say presentation is much to be desired. He wants to see the shadows of the sculpture while I want it in larger space…before smashing it to pieces. I have a thing for performance art, what can I say?
I need to put my mash-up videos on my phone this weekend. It’s going to be a creative weekend!! And I will be fed by my friends this weekend. I am so blessed.
Anyways, I am inspired by the art show, and the amazing conversation I had with The Photographer and the German Art Crtic afterwards. The German Art Critic is opinionated and introduced me to a video of Klaus Nomi, the father of new wave style in the 70s. What a trip this guy is! He sings falsetto while wearing space suits! Apparently he was David Bowie’s inspiration for his music and The Man Who Fell to the Earth.
Suddenly I have an idea for showing my art work in October. Power is the theme.
Once I pay off this karmic debt, will I be free? Do I start building good karma next? I have been trying to do this already with my family. I keep trying to give freely to them without feeling resentful that they rarely pay any attention to me. I am supporting my brother in his quest to be a businessman, I am positive toward his wife in her photography, I sent them money for my nephew’s bday and I don’t hear a peep until I put my foot down and tell my brother that it’s not nice to see they had deposited my check and didn’t bother to call to say thank you. Same complaint my mother has and my brother never hears the end of it. He doesn’t want to be his wife’s father but if he has to relay messages like this to her, it creates friction. I could just lay off. I could call her myself and tell her what I think. I have tried to be her friend but she doesn’t want to be friends with me. So what do you do? Why is family so complicated? But my friendships are complicated too. And I am the common denominator.
I am too intense. I am not easygoing. These are the things I hate about my sister. I hate in others what I don’t like about myself. The shadow self. How do I reconcile this?