Femmebot 6.0: Welcome to The Fake News. Today we have a special guest for Throwback Thursday #TBT: Maria La Gata, straight from the Green-Wood cemetery of Brooklyn, New York! Welcome, Maria La Gata!
Maria La Gata: Pa’ Carajo!
Femmebot 6.0: Is it true you lived 9 lives?
Maria La Gata: Pa’ Carajo!
Femmebot 6.0: According to research for this interview, your grandchildren told me Pa Carajo is what you say to anyone who speaks English to you. Would you like to tell our fake audience of three people (thank you for watching, @chaliaesthetics and @ticbowen and @joey) why all people who speak English should go to hell?
Mara La Gata: Soy Independentista!
Femmebot 6.0: According to the Interwebs, which always tells the truth, you shouldn’t be speaking colonialist Spanish either. The Tainos of Puerto Rico, where you were born and raised, spoke an extinct Arawakan language, which has incidentally contributed many words to the English language: Barbeque, Cannibal, guava, hammock, hurricane, iguana, tobacco –
Maria La Gata: (Smoking cigar) Pa carajo!
Femmebot 3.0: Hey, she sounds a little bit like me.
Femmebot 2.0: De verdad, siempre pissed off, pero nobody knows why.
Femmebot 3.0: Yo. Are you f-ing kidding with me right now? ALL poor women were pissed off in the 1920s before they had any rights to say anything about the men who were constantly raping and beating and impregnating them on the regs.
Maria La Gata: Pa carajo!
Femmebot 1.0: I think what I love about Cardi B….
Femmebot 3.0: Yeah, but Cardi B doesn’t even write her own lyrics. Such a disappointment. I REALLY wanted a Latina stripper to write her own angry fuckin lyrics!
Femmebot 4.0: That’s why I like Princess Nokia, aka Destiny Frasqueri, who is NOT Dominican and NOT a stripper but IS Puerto Rican AND writes her own lyrics (which Ariana Grande reportedly ripped off earlier this year…Google it).
Maria La Gata: Ah, sisi, Destiny Frasqueri – ella es hija de hija de hija de mis hermanas brujas en Ponce, donde bailaba burlesque en Teatro La Perla.
Femmebot 2.0: Ay dios mio, bisabuela!!! You were a Boricua Burlesque dancer in Ponce in the 1920s???
Femmebot 6.0: In last century’s top fake news, Maria La Gata was the most famous burlesque dancer no one knew about in 1920s Puerto Rico. She danced in the shadows of Mata Hari (before she was executed for espionage) and Josephine Baker (in New York’s first all-black produced Broadway show Shuffle Along).
Femmebot 5.0: Right. The burlesque dancer part is fake, but Maria La Gata actually did chain smoke cigars and make her own rum which she sold illegally and she owned her own property and had 7 kids by 3 different men. That’s all true.
Femmebot 6.0: Which leads us to our next question for Maria La Gata: What do you hope to teach @theFemmebots of the 21st century with your story of survival?
Photos/Latest News of Puerto Rico: Puerto Rico Officials Reject Proposal to Cancel Some Debt
Maria La Gata: (Cardi B voice): “All I really wanna see is the (Money)
I don’t really need the D, I need the (Money)
All a bad bitch need is the (Money flow)”
Maria La Gata: (Princess Nokia voice):
Sometimes it works out for people
Sometimes it really just doesn’t
Don’t do this shit to be famous
I do this shit ’cause I love it
Nespresso Is Debuting Its First-Ever 100% Puerto Rican Coffee—With Help From George Clooney and Lin-Manuel Miranda
Maria La Gata: (Santigold voice): Me, I’m a Creator
Thrill is to make it up
The rules I break got me a place
Up on the radar
Two shootings during the long holiday weekend in San Juan had people worried about a rash of drug violence and other crime.
Maria La Gata: (Rage Against the Machine voice): Fuck you I won’t do what you told me!
“Cubans always had a North star, Cuba, Castro,” says a Puerto Rican attorney living in Miami. “Our North star may well be Maria,” referring to the hurricane.
Maria La Gata: (Alexandria Ocasio Cortez voice):
Maria La Gata: (Rosalia voice):
Vivo rápido y no tengo cura
Iré joven pa’ la sepultura
Femmebot 6.0: Thank you, Maria La Gata, for this enlightening Fake Interview. In tomorrow’s Top Fake News. We will take Maria La Gata’s advice and focus on getting as much money as possible for the work we do, vote democrat, buy Nespresso from Lin Manuel Miranda (and George Clooney?), generate our own energy and…stay independent? Or become a state? It’s not clear which way will we go. Stay tuned.
Femmebot 2.0: Ay, no importa. Poquito de eto, poquito de eso – una mescla de –
Femmebot 3.0: No. Absolutely NOT. We’ve had friends with benefits status for 100 years, I hate that set-up. No commitment. One foot out, one foot kinda in –
Femmebot 4.0: Marriage, ie code for statehood, helps people become more strategic, more responsible and more oriented toward the long-term rather than just having a good time in the present. They accumulate wealth and adopt a more long-term orientation toward their financial well-being –
Maria La Gata: Bueno – yo siempre voy estar una Independentista en mi corazon…pero la realidad es que los estados unidos y Puerto Rico han estado jodiendo desde 1898 – mas que cien anos. No soy una mujer tradicional, pero hora es el momento de casarse.
Femmebot 6.0: According to the HuffPost, there are 5 reasons Puerto Rico won’t become the 51st state.
Maria La Gata: Pa carajo, HuffPost caca. Esta funcionando por Hawaii…y es una isla en mitad del marrrrrrrrr, pendejooooooo.
Femmebot 2.0: Pero expensive hurricanes don’t hit Hawaii with the same frequency as Puerto Rico.
Maria La Gata: Pa carajo! Los volcans y terremotos pueden demolizar toda las islas de Hawaii! Y sin embargo…el cambio climatico afecta a TODO el mundo, estupida robot.
Femmebot 2.0: Ay, OK, wow, I’m your child’s child’s child! Cojelo con take it easy.
Femmebot 6.0: According to the Interwebz, some of the benefits of statehood are –
Femmebot 3.0: Taxation WITH representation. $10 billion per year in federal funds, the right to vote in presidential elections, higher Social Security and Medicare benefits, and a right for its government agencies and municipalities to file for bankruptcy.
Femmebot 2.0: Pero statehood would lead to a loss of culture –
Femmebot 3.0: Says the Femmebot with a swishy accent in Planet MyAmi.
Femmebot 4.0: IRL, statehood would cure Puerto Rico’s otherwise precarious borderline personality symptom of weak identity.
Femmebot 3.0: Exactly. Instead of being kinda part of the US, it would indeed be officially be part of the US and be officially recognized for contributing some of this country’s best cultural assets.
Femmebot 4.0: Despacito remains the #1 watched YouTube video on the planet.