Welcome to the Fake News.
I’m Femmebot 6.0 reporting “DRUNK” from the Capital of Isms. In this week’s top Fake News, Dr. Nutmeg’s Femmebots celebrated #SuicidePrevention Month with Dr. Norris Chumley’s Happy Hour.
Femmebot 2.0: We interrupt this Fake News with our first hatery comment from a Troll Farmer.
Femmebot 3.0: He’s a tiny frustrated wannabe. I can’t even find him on Instagram.
Femmebot 5.0: Gente, c’mon – what’s the feedback? Perhaps it is useful?
Femmebot 3.0: Nevermind! Already deleted it!
Femmebot 5.0: That attitude is very Trumpy, menina. Your skin is paper thin.
Femmebot 3.0: Whattt??? I’m nothing like that #PAB.
Femmebot 5.0: Oh, you haven’t been stewing all day over what he wrote? C’mon, dish. What did he write to set you off, 3.0?
Femmebot 3.0: He said Femmebot 6.0 is too stiff. That she should drink alcohol and get buzzzed before reading the Fake News.
Femmebot 5.0: Oi! Com verdade, a caipirinha or two in the green screen studio would’t hurt.
Femmebot 6.0: Welcome to the Fake News. Um. Hiccup. I’m a robot. Puke. Supposed to be stiff. This troll is a real moron, probably also tries to slip Siri roofies when she says, “Here’s the thing: I lack corporeal form.”
Femmebot 3.0: He did say he likes Femmebot 2.0’s impressions of Dr. Nutmeg’s mom and Tia –
Femmebot 2.0: Ay – I’m not programmed with code from Dr. Nutmeg’s mom or Tia. I’m a LatinX caricature – the way white people see Latin women. I am Charo, I am Sofia Vergara, I am Eva Longoria – Dr. Nutmeg’s mom doesn’t even have a Spanish accent. And neither do her Tias – and yet…they are all Latin! Duh da daaaa (dramatic Chipmunk).
Femmebot 3.0: Exactly. That’s why I threw the garbage feedback in the trash – which incidentally is hard to retrieve on Whatsapp unless you back up your messages on iCloud or download a third party app.
Femmebot 5.0: But gente – that isn’t negative feedback! He said he liked it.
Femmebot 4.0: All of you are missing the ultimate value of feedback: Someone is paying attention.
Femmebot 1.0: But he also said we don’t work as live action, and that we should go back to being two-dimensional animations!
Femmebot 3.0: Pft. Well, if he has so much time and money, he can fund the animations and do all the hard work of recording voiceover and hiring actors and stitching together thousands of animated frames for hours and hours and hours and…
Femmebot 6.0: Welcome back (hiccup) to the Fake News. According to Dr. John Draper, creative director of the advertising agency on Mad Men…ha ha, just kidding, that’s Don Draper….Dr. John Draper, executive director of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, said in a 2018 Good Housekeeping article: “Family connectedness and religious ties have been associated with lower suicide rates among African-American and Hispanic populations in the U.S.,” though he adds that underreporting may be more prevalent among these ethnic groups (with some of the explanations for this related to cultural norms and stigma related to suicide).
Femmebot 4.0: Interesting, because when Dr. Nutmeg was about to throw herself into the Hudson River, she felt disconnected from her Latin family and was trying desperately to connect with her local church communities with no success.
Femmebot 6.0: On top of that, she was grieving the children she would never have and the expectation that she should at least be a high wage-earner at her age…which hadn’t happened (the CDC cites economic and financial strain as a risk factor for suicide) — and of course there’s the M-word: menopause. It affects women biochemically in addition to putting them under additional sociocultural pressures. Dr. Nutmeg isn’t there yet, but could smell it around the corner and thought it might be better to beat it to the punchline.
Femmebot 2.0: Because real talk – there is no life after men and sex.
Femmebot 7.0: Not true.
Femmebot 3.0: Ay. Yo. Who are you?
Femmebot 7.0: Guess you guys don’t remember Dr. Nutmeg extracted her SEVEN chakras.
Femmebot 3.0: Oh. So – what. Are you enlightened or something?
Femmebot 7.0: Enlightened. And something. I’ll be here more often after Dr. Nutmeg goes through menopause.