Week 10 of Brahmicharya
OK, so the last two posts were total meltdown. I broke brahmicharya after my MAN said he couldn’t visit me because he doesn’t know how he feels about me. Since then, I’ve renewed my vows and talked to my writer friend who understands all my neuroses.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I told him. “I’ve been meeting all kinds of people here, but for some reason, I am stopping myself from connecting with them at a deep level. This is very unlike me.”
He reminded me that this stint here in DC is a side story. A “Gaiden,” as the Japanese refer to it. It is a story that can be contained within itself, with its own purpose and own didactic experiences.
“There are some people you meet and you know instantly they will be in your life forever,” he said as I walked to my 8 o’clock yoga class in Adam’s Morgan. “And then there are others who are just there for a few minutes, a few days, a few weeks. You can tell the difference.”
I was so relieved to hear this, and it was so great to hear my friend’s voice. I needed to talk to someone NOT new. I was reminded that part of this side story is about bonding even more with those who ARE my lifelong mates.
And most importantly, I was reminded that when I met my MAN, I felt that I knew him before, in another life, and that he would be with me for the rest of my life. This is why we invested so much in each other last year. Because we ARE forever. And it’s my mood swings that make me doubt. He is NOT supposed to be calling me all the time here. Because he is NOT the main character in this side story. As I mentioned in my last post, this is MY story.
For once, I am the main character? I am my own muse? Uh-oh. How do I see myself?
Well, when I started this deep dive into orange chakra, I started out writing that I wanted to be in control of my own body and to focus on my spirit rather than my raging hormones. I confessed that my own body turns me on when I look at it in the mirror. And this Lesbian theme keeps coming up. As I walked to yoga, I decided not to be afraid of exploring that theme. This is all about being honest with myself for a change, so I’m through with avoiding and judging the subject. Time for a good ol’ fashioned Spanish Inquisition:
Q: Are you as sexually interested in women as you are in men?
A: I am a woman. The sight of my body in the mirror turns me on. I like my breasts. I like my stomach. I like my butt. I think my legs are cute. When I see other women with pretty bodies, I stare. I appreciate them. In Miami, there is lots of opportunity for this. Mucho eye candy. Sometimes I would feel jealous. Sometimes I would feel good that I look good too.
Q: Does the sight of a beautiful woman sometimes make you feel horny too?
A: No, just looking at a woman does not make me horny. But if she’s doing something sexual, yes, that makes me horny. I’ve watched plenty of porn and I could get off just as easily watching two women as I could watching a man and a woman, or even better, two women and one man. I suppose threesomes are my “drug of choice.” Two men together don’t turn me on so much – that just makes me feel like a scientist trying to figure out how the physics and biology work.
Q: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
A: Yes, two different women, in the context of a threesome. Both experiences were playful and erotic. And I didn’t always have to participate. Just watching or being near them while they had sex made me excited.
Q: You’re kind of a pervert, aren’t you?
A: Yes. But I prefer the term “voyeur” much better. Or “observer.”
Q: What was your relationship like with these people?
A: I started out as good friends with the first woman. But when we went on vacation and found ourselves in a situation with a cute rock climber, we became more intimate. Everything changed after that. Suddenly we were playing out the dynamics of a love relationship. We bickered. I got jealous of her boyfriend. She expected me to pay the bills and help her find a job. It was really weird. I didn’t like it at all. With the second woman, I was immediately attracted to her and then when her boyfriend started hitting on me when my boyfriend at the time was ignoring me, I sort of fell into their lives. The three of us had a full-on relationship. When it was just her and me, I felt kind of…bored? She talked a lot. Made me understand a man’s point of view better. And at the same time, I felt that if anyone was going to be talking, it should be me. This is why I mentioned in one of my earlier blog posts that having a real relationship with a woman sounds exhausting.
Q: So, based on your answers, what is your conclusion?
A: I am NOT a Lesbian, but perhaps I am a sick and perverted man trapped in a beautiful woman’s body? LOL.
Q: You’ve written before about transsexuals, haven’t you?
A: Yes. My first novel was about a transsexual prostitute living in the Tenderloin District of San Francisco. The story was inspired by the view of a tranny club across from my apartment.
Q: So, would you get a sex change so your outside can match your inside?
A: LOL! That’s funny. No way. I love my body. And I love penii (is that a word?), but I don’t really want one attached to me.
Q: You’ve also suffered from penis envy, too, haven’t you?
A: Oh geez, here we go. Yes. I have to be honest. When I was working in the private equity world, I was pissed that all the men were more interested in my body parts than in my ideas, so for a while I think I wanted to be a man so that maybe I could manifest my dreams a little easier.
Q: Is that why you were so excited when you met your MAN, the one who has been the main character of this blog up until we got to this side story?
A: Oh. Ooh. Um. Wow. This is starting to freak me out a bit. Yes, you’re right. I was so frustrated by the sexist entrepreneurial world that I had decided I needed to find a man to channel all my energy into. I would be the WOMAN who stands behind her man. You know the cliche – “Behind every successful man is a woman?” I thought that because I truly absolutely love my MAN that this formula would actually work. Because it doesn’t work unless she loves him. I found that out when I was with the WRONG man. But it also doesn’t work unless he supports her financially. In order for her to give 100% of her love, she can’t be distracted by her own job/career. My MAN is not ol skule. Neither am I.
Q: But you haven’t really answered the question about your fascination with women and threesomes.
A: I’m sure it has something to do with pyschology and politics. I deeply admired both the women I was with and they felt the same toward me…until things got ugly, namely, jealousy. Jealousy among women may never go away. It’s not even that we are competing for men’s attention so much anymore – we are competing for jobs, success, awards, accomplishments. We are the Type A, straight-A students who participated in 100 different extracurricular activities, played musical instruments, participated in sports – every freaking thing the Land of the Free can offer a girl born post Feminism.
Q: Would you have sex with a woman again?
A: I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I felt like my previous experiences opened up Pandora’s boxes that wreaked some serious havoc in my life. I’m more interested in simplicity and honesty now. If the situation fit those two prerequisites, perhaps I would – but it would probably be along with my MAN.
Q: Why does he have to be there? Is this some kind of patriarchal thing?
A: LOL! No. As much as 1960s/1970s feminists blame our “patriarchal” society for everything, I believe it takes two to tango. Women are just as culpable for the problems in our world. We suffer from the same vices – greed, lust, pride, envy, and so on. And at this point in time, I think we are as powerful as men – perhaps I am a snot-nosed privileged brat who could escape to the more politically correct northeast for equal rights after hitting a myriad glass ceilings in Miami, but I have seen women in that culture thrive in their roles because they know how to use their talents and their skills to tango in perfect harmony with the opposite sex. It’s too bad that it has taken me 20 years to see that my mother was right all along. She has tried to tell me over and over that a woman in her world can get exactly what she needs and desires by giving or withholding sex (and I am excluding women who are forced by men who are physically stronger). My MAN actually confirmed this, too.
“Women rule the world,” he once said. My jaw dropped to the floor.
“What world are YOU talking about?” I replied. In my world I had always been the victim.
“The power is all yours,” he said. “Between your legs.”
Part of me wonders if this is why he is afraid to get closer to me. He must think that he will lose all his power.
But getting back to the question – why do I like threesomes? I guess I get the best of both worlds. The sisterhood and sensuality of a woman. The penis of a man. And he gets the best of both worlds – security and newness.
Q: Based on your answers, can you tell now what your side story is going to be about?
A: Ha ha! Yes! It’s about me being the woman that I am and manifesting my own dreams, both creatively and financially, without the influence of a man. It’s about “Chakra Girl” whose power comes from her solar plexus, not from between her legs. In the past, I have always had muses for my writing. The Miami Millionaire was my muse for “The Devil’s Advocate” column. My MAN was my muse for my Urban Mermaidz multimedia blog novel. My investors were my muses for The Witches of Coconut Grove mash-up video. My ex was my muse for the Boomtown Fever blog novel. And so, my current job, which researches energy efficiency, is my muse for Chakra Girl, a weekly comic strip.