Week 19 of Brahmacharya
I am sitting in the airport waiting to return to DC after a full weekend in Miami.
I don’t feel sad or anxious or pissed. It’s just my life. And I think I like it. At least today I do.
I wanted to go straight to my soul mate’s place as soon as I landed but I didn’t because I knew once I was with him I wouldn’t want to do anything else or be with anyone else. So I met up with The Producer and The Scriptwriter, who is a really cool guy, about my age and actually pursuing his dream (and not just talking about it).
We have a fun meeting at Books and Books and then I drive to Coconut Grove to wander around before meeting up with The Activist for a meditation session. He is such a funny young passionate activist. I tried to imagine him being my husband. He would be so nice to me. And he respects my art and my viewpoints. I would be much happier with someone like him than with my soul mate.
And yet, as we ate food after the meditation, my thoughts kept drifting over to Miami Beach, where my soul mate was, so close, yet not in my arms.
But I had to stay focused. I had to remember who I am and what I came here to do this weekend. So I did. I met with my tenant Saturday morning, gave her back her deposit and trained her on making more updates to my web sites. Turns out she will be in DC too. In July she starts a new job. Coincidence? Serendipity?
“I’ve been synced up for a year and a half,” I say to The Activist as we drive to the meditation group in Cococnut Grove.
“Really? How did that happen?” he aks.
And I told him about my spiritual breakdown in 2008 and my re-birth on Groundhog Day in 2009.
Was it The Investor that triggered this? Was it The Villain? Was it my mentor? Was it my best friend? Deepak Chopra?
I met my soul mate the next day. How does he fit? Is he truly my sacred lover? The yang to my yin? My future boyfriend? My traveling mate? My business partner? We slept together Saturday night but we didn’t have sex. I am so glad we didn’t. I feel like I didn’t lose anything. And it’s not like he even deserved to make love to me. He wasn’t affectionate with me. Didn’t kiss me until Sunday afternoon. Actually, that’s when he finally loosened up and started opening up to me.
“How are your parents? How is your brother?”
He actually asked about my family.
“You’re leaving so soon,” he said as we walked back to my rental car. I would be spending my final night in my condo rather than with him.
“I know. Like a blink of an eye,” I say.
“I will come visit you,” he says.
“No, don’t say that. You said you would visit last time I left but you didn’t.”
“I will. I just need to find a place to leave the dogs.”
But I can’t expect anything or get my hopes up. Besides – as I drive home, I realize I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend right now. Not yet. Making food with my soul mate and then lying in front of the crap TV was nice for the weekend but not as a lifestyle. Bathing the puppies while my soul mate worked on his art was OK for the weekend but not as a lifestyle. I would still be giving too much and receiving very little back from him. He literally throws me scraps. When I had nothing before I took what I could get. And now? Well, I guess I have better self esteem and more reliance on myself. While he was very generous with me in the past, he is not now. He paid for lunch on Saturday but he didn’t go out of his way to do anything special for me. I gave him and his puppies gifts but he had none for me. He withheld his affection. He told me my hair looked like a wig. I massaged him but he didn’t offerr to massage me back. He has always been this way so for me to expect more suddenly is stupid. I like him exactly the way he is. I think he is handsome and I like touching him and kissing him. But I do not have to define myself according to him or base my whole life on this. That would be stupid. Which is how I have acted all my life with men. Stupid – mixing up sexual attraction with making a home.
It comes down to this: my soul mate is an amazing man who helped me get back up on my feet again when I was down and out. He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend or anyone else’s. I will love him forever, and I will always be there for him if he needs me, but our time together has passed – at least for now – and it is time for me to wrap up my heart and move on. To what? To whom? To my present, to my future, to my family and my art.
But I would rather continue the story. My soul mate and I can continue seeing each other without being defined as girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife because neither of us wants to really be in a relationship. We just like spending time with each other.