The Biological Clock vs. The Life Purpose

Week 7 of Brahmicharya

I had my first sexy dream since I started brahmicharya. I didn’t touch myself at all, I just remember sexy Nikki (dunno who the heck she is or where she came from!) wearing a skirt and spreading her legs and…well, I am not supposed to describe it in too much detail because then I’ll be consciously thinking about sex which is against the rules. But I will say that the imagery was so powerful I had the most amazing, most powerful, most satisfying orgasm. This is how powerful the subconscious is. I guess I have been suppressing my desire for so long, it decided to bust out all at once.

It all goes back to biology, doesn’t it? These years right now are my last chance to have a baby. I have been saying all my life that I don’t want one. I have to really mean it now. It feels like I have to make real decisions for my life despite my philosophy of just finding what I need, who I need when the time is right. This is the “Eastern” ideal competing with the “West.” The yogi in the documentary, “Enlighten Up” said there is no East, there is no West – all is relative to YOU. As a Leo, who thinks the world revolves around me, this makes perfect sense. This is not to say that only my needs are important – I care also about meeting the needs of my loved ones – when it’s convenient for me. 😉

After my dream, I entered a new spiritual state. I felt connected. To what, exactly? Perhaps to the source of all life. I felt a sense of no fear, just love, stripped of all that is material. I did not need a man or a woman to achieve this state. And yet, that crazy orgasm got me there. This helps me conclude that yes, spirituality and sexuality are absolutely hyperlinked.

I also had this new feeling of liberation from my MAN. All this time, I have been focusing this practice/experiment on him, as if trying to prove my loyalty to him, and now it is becoming something much deeper and more personal. I am doing this for myself, as I must do everything for myself rather than trying to please another. I am coming back to me as an individual rather than the female linked to her MAN.

I think of the feminist critques of film I have been reading by bell hooks, who repeated the funny saying, “Feminism is the theory, Lesbianism is the Practice.” Their philosophy is that heterosexual sex in and of itself disempowers women. I refuse to subscribe to this because I believe men and women are equal and can meet each other halfway in order to realize their full potentials.

For example, my MAN has been super supportive of my career. “Think of your career,” he said when I told him I was sad about being here with no friends or family.

Instead of indulging me in my plea that he visit me, he is telling me to be an individual who can take care of herself, which has always been my goal. I never wanted to rely on a man for my food and shelter because I saw the problems of that dynamic from my parents.

He is encouraging me to detach from him so I can be fully present here. I think that happened yesterday after meeting “Cherry Blossom” (name changed to protect her innocence from my big fat blog confessionals), a hyperlink from two mutual friends in Miami. She was in Miami for 10 years, works in corporate finance and loves photography. She is half Cuban, half Honduran. She moved to Florida when she was in junior high and was forced to split her personality. The “bicultural” condition.

We spent the afternoon watching families fly kites. We barely paused our conversation. It just flowed. I was able to tell her my story without stuttering and without emotion. She was an all-ears audience.

She told me about her Argentinian lover. They met online and hit it off immediately. She was in a place, for the first time, that she was completely herself and open and honest with a man. But it turned out he had a mistress in Argentina. Eventually he chose to be with her and Cherry Blossom decided this wasn’t a loss. She could continue being her full self, a man could not derail her.

So when my MAN surprised me later that night by Skyping me while I was updating a client’s web site, I didn’t feel giddy and relieved that he was paying attention to me. I actually didn’t feel jealous that I wasn’t at Winter Music Conference, where he took colorful photos of beautiful people. I felt encouraging of his new path as a photographer. Then I had the sexy dream. I suddenly started to think of my MAN as my Miami lover. When I am in Miami he is my lover. When I am not there, he is right – it’s like I was never there because all that matters is the present.

Does this mean I am open to a lover here in DC? Am I attracted to Cherry Blossom just because we have similar personalities and stories to tell? Uh, no. I am really superficial and I want a B-O-Y, not a girl.

If anything, my other lover in DC is my comic books. A lot less messy than a relationship with another human being, I think. At 34 going on 35, I really want to accomplish something. I want to finish what I started. I don’t want to feel like my dad when I am old: “I feel like there’s still something I need to do,” he always says.

That’s what happens in life. We put off our life’s purpose for the sake of others, be it a husband, a wife, a child, new lovers. Maybe for some, a family is their life’s purpose, and usually those are the ones who produce the best children and strongest families. I have intense motherly energy at this point in my life, but I find it interesting to use toward people who are already here and need love. The world doesn’t necessarily need a mini version of me. It needs more fully self-actualized human beings.

And yet, after seeing my best girlfriend with her new baby, I wonder if I will just have ONE…with my MAN. And if so, it has to happen in the next three years, I think.

Perhaps the decision does not need to be made and it is already done. It always goes back to faith. Do I have faith in God to lead me on my path?