A story: Left Brain vs. Right Brain
B story: Camera glasses
C story: Dodgeball
“The Big Bang Theory”
“East vs. West”
2/10/12
Melanie Feliciano
TEASER
INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT CAFETERIA
Wolowitz and Raj see a bulletin board with a notice for a dodgeball league.
Wolowitz says he was never good enough to play football, basketball or
soccer. He was always a mascot.
Raj says he was the best dodgeball player in the Dodgeball Federation of India.
The two look at each other and punch fists like Wonder Twin Powers.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT
Penny walks through the front door with a laptop and announces that
she has just taken the spinning dancer left brain-right brain quiz.
She says if the dancer spins clockwise, you use more of your right
brain. Counterclockwise, and you’re more of a left-brain person.
Sheldon pooh-poohs online quizzes as lonely hackers’ way of capturing
desperate single females’ IP addresses as he excitedly opens a FedEx
package and pulls out a pair of glasses that look exactly like
Leonard’s.
Leonard asks Sheldon why he’s suddenly wanting to go all “twinsies” on him.
Sheldon says, “It was either these or the spy sunglasses, and lord
knows the last thing I want to look like is a shady peeping tom while
I am recording people’s social interactions.
Penny grabs the glasses and says, “You mean, there’s a camera in
these? Like Lady Gaga’s snowboarding goggles?”
Leonard says, “Sheldon, you can’t just film people without them
knowing. It’s unethical.”
Penny puts the glasses on the coffee table and says, “Unless you’re a
waitress in LA.”
Sheldon says, “Penny, as much as I want to see you get your first big
break, the purpose of the glasses are not for show business, but
rather, an experiment in physics. When I am done, the Catholic Church
will be adding me to its list of apologies, under Galileo and the
Inquisition.
Leonard says, “Oh, Sheldon, do you really think you’re going to prove
Newton’s Three Laws of Motion wrong?
Penny tells Sheldon he should give science a break and balance out his
big fat left brain by trying three right brain exercises suggested by
the spinning dancer test:
1. Painting
2. Singing
3. Sex
Penny and Leonard stare at Sheldon.
Sheldon says one shouldn’t use spinning dancers to characterize brain
strengths. It provides a crude view of the “lateralization of brain
function,” or the concept that each side of the human brain
specializes in certain mental activities.
Leonard looks at Penny’s laptop and says he sees the dancer spinning
counterclockwise with his glasses and clockwise when he removes his
glasses.
Penny asks Leonard if he wants to make out.
Leonard says yes, puts his glasses on quickly and they leave Sheldon
alone in the apartment.
Sheldon looks at the laptop, raises his eyebrows and shuts it abruptly.
INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT CAFETERIA
Leonard, Wolowitz and Raj read the dodgeball rules.
Wolowitz says he can’t throw or catch very well so he will focus on
wearing the right gear.
Raj says he originally got his nickname “Brown Rocket” when he played
dodgeball in India.
Leonard squints to read the rules but he can’t see. He is wearing the
contacts Priya made him buy because he cant find his glasses.
Raj says he doesn’t want to hear about Leonard’s salacious activities
with his sister when they used to date.
Sheldon walks up to the table and hands Leonard his glasses. “I don’t
want to know what you and Penny were doing with mine but I want them
back.
Leonard says he doesn’t know where they are.
Wolowitz gasps suddenly and announces they can’t play unless they have
at least five players and two of them have to be women.
Amy walks up to the table and announces that she just got off the
phone with Bitch Magazine to explain why women are so good at
remembering the past, categorizing information and planning for the
future and men are not.
Leonard says it must be because women are naturally more left-brained.
“Or is it right brained?”
Sheldon harumphs at the left brain-right brain crap and says he is
shocked at Amy for selling out her knowledge as a brain scientist to
the pop culture feminist delusion of empowerment that merely
perpetuates the mass consumption of shoes and make-up.
Wolowitz begs Amy to join the dodgeball team.
Kripke walks over to the group and asks Amy to join his team.
Amy looks over at Sheldon and says she would be more than happy to do so.
ACT TWO
INT. PENNY’S BEDROOM
Penny brushes her hair and tells Amy that she has been exercising her
left brain by balancing her bank account and playing with a Rubik’s
cube.
Amy stares at Penny’s chest as she speaks and tells her that her left
side definitely looks larger and she should keep at it.
Penny models different pairs of high heel shoes and tells Amy she
should start using more of her feminine wiles to bed Sheldon because
it’s the only way he is going to become a more balanced human being.
Amy tries on Penny’s shoes when there is a knock on the door. Penny
goes to answer it when Amy sees the glasses sticking out from under
the bed.
Amy comes out of the bedroom and sees Leonard wearing his glasses and
looks confused.
Leonard asks Penny if she has seen Sheldon’s camera glasses.
Penny says no, that she left them on the coffee table the day before
when Sheldon announced his plans to film human social interaction.
Amy hides the glasses behind her back.
Leonard says the only way Sheldon will join the dodgeball team is if
he can film the entire game with his glasses.
Penny says “OMG! I used to play dodgeball in Nebraska all the time! I
catch a mean ball!”
Amy says Penny should play on her team instead (innuendo) to teach
Sheldon a lesson.
Leonard says he doesn’t care which team Penny plays on, as long as she
has fun (innuendo).
Amy is astounded by Leonard’s show of love and is convinced it’s
because sex bonds humanoids into symbiotic partnerships.
INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT GYM
Wolowitz arrives with green knee-high socks, short shorts, wife beater
and pencil moustache.
Sheldon, Burnadette and Raj, dressed as a girl, walk up behind
Wolowitz and put their hands on their hips like superheroes.
The other team is made up of Kripke, Leonard, Amy, Penny and one other
physicist.
Sheldon gets hit on the left side of his head and begins to recite bad poetry.
I feel different ways on different days
Depending on the weather or the stock exchange
Climbing up higher
My head is on fire
I feel like a liar
And still I feel different ways
On different days
Depending on the TV or my Facebook page
Amy is horrified and intrigued by Sheldon’s performance.
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT
Wolowitz and Raj watch the spinning dancer on an iPad.
Wolowitz says, “If I look at her foot, I see her spinning counterclockwise.”
Raj says, “All I see are her nipples.”
Sheldon grabs the iPad as the sound of a Skype ring interrupts him.
It is Amy.
Sheldon gasps and throws the iPad on the sofa.
Raj picks it up and says “Oh my God, she’s naked! And she’s spinning clockwise!
Sheldon grabs the iPad back and tells Amy to put her clothes back on.
Amy says she recorded his entire performance at the dodgeball game and
posted it on Tumblr because she is so proud of him. She wants to hear
him recite poetry again, that she really enjoyed the exhibition of his
right brain and would like to see more.
Sheldon says he has always used both sides of his brain and that he is
glad she is supportive of his art.
TAG
INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT CAFETERIA
Raj and Wolowitz ooh and ahh at an iPad.
Sheldon asks if they are watching the footage Amy shot at the game,
and that he is working on a sonnet.
He glances at the iPad and then looks away with disgust.
Wolowitz turns his head and the iPad sideways and says he didn’t know
Leonard was so flexible and that Penny was so…
Raj passes out.
FADE OUT.