Is everyone just pretending?
I am pretending that I am stronger than I really am.
If I’m fake, then everyone I attract is just a reflection of myself.
And it seems that there is nothing I hate more than fake people.
Therefore, I must hate myself.
Why am I pretending?
Who do I think I have to be?
What am I trying to prove?
What do I stand for?
Why do I think men are the root of all evil?
Why do I think that women are divine when I can’t even get along with them?
I have started multiple projects over the last 2 years in an attempt to build a “media empire.” Why do I want to build a media empire? So people will respect me? So people will say, “Wow, she started out as a poor journalist and now she is the head of an empire!” Is it just because I want to prove them all wrong? That I’m not just a girl?
Why do I think anyone can understand my problems when I don’t even understand them myself? Why do I think I can trust anyone outside of my family? And can I even trust my family? My sister doesn’t like me. She doesn’t know how to deal with me. And frankly, she has enough on her mind now that she has a family. We aren’t really family anymore. We don’t share our experiences with each other. Blood isn’t enough. My brother has his own life now, too – a wife and a baby on the way.
My parents adore me. They love me in a way no one else has. And for some reason that’s not enough for me. Because it’s too easy. Apparently I like the struggle for love and acceptance. I want it from people who are least likely to give it to me. It’s a great way to keep setting yourself up for failure after failure.
I have 2 “witch sisters” who I trusted completely in the beginning, and now I am convinced both are out to sabotage and betray me. One continues to work for someone she doesn’t respect, and the other lacks self-confidence and is scattered on what she really wants to do with her life. Again, they are reflecting back at me what I hate about myself. So is the conclusion that I just don’t trust myself?
Tonight I am spending in my condo because my boyfriend told me that the web site I spent 4 hours updating that morning “could have been better.” Yes, of course it could have been better. Anything could be better. But is that the point? I thought that by helping him, I would be helping myself, but really, all I did was open myself up to punches in the face that left me bloody and trying to catch my breath. He really knows how to mentally box me. I have no defensive strategy. I can’t play with boys until I learn how to defend myself like boys do among themselves. This is a skill they learn on the playground while us girls are comparing Cabbage Patch Kids.
Tomorrow I am supposed to be happy and yoga frolicking in the pool among all the happy Miami people. I think I might have to fake it yet again. Everything is for show here. Everything is for money here. Am I deluded in thinking that I can live a down to earth life in a place where everyone is using each other to get what they want? Or is it just me that is using everyone to get where I want? Where do I want to be?
I feel like I want to retreat for more than 4 days in LA. I want to hibernate for the winter. I think about being with my boyfriend’s family for the holidays, having to fake nice-nice and I want to throw up. I just want to be my fuckin self. I want to be a morose fuckin bitch when I want to be and I don’t want to apologize anymore to anyone for being myself. I am who I am. I am not a nice girl. I can’t be anyone else’s expectation anymore. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of it all.
I’m not working anymore with the expectation that someone will “discover” or “recognize me.” This is not authentic. I really don’t give a fuck anymore.