ADDictive Personality & Co-Dependency

Week 6 of Brahmicharya

So, this week I played a little game with myself. No. I didn’t masturbate. That’s against the Brahmicharya rules!!!

I made believe I was 24. 10  years ago. When my whole life was still ahead of me. You’re probably rolling your eyes if you are 70. But I’m almost half 70. Which means I should be in the meat of my life. You know, in the middle, where all the foundation laid during the younger years has manifested a lifestyle. Usually you are married with a couple of kids by your mid-30s. You made your decisions and now life is just running full speed ahead with no time to contemplate.

I’m an unusual 34-year-old. I spent my 20s traveling, working and not making any commitments. Most women in my position feel frantic to find a husband so they can fulfill their manifest destiny of procreating. I don’t particularly feel this pressure. And people tell me I am “chronologically challenged” in my appearance, so I guess you can say I am lucky. Hey. Look at me pointing out the bright side of things. Must be that time of the month. Yup! Ovulation time! Apparently I am sweet and beautiful and creative and all the wonderful things a woman can be while my body is waiting to get fertilized. It’s really quite a remarkable thing, especially if you are not married and you are practicing celibacy. What the hell do you do with this energy?

As I established at the beginning of this 7-month vow, it’s all about creativity. While “The Artist’s Way” advocates tapping into the divine for creative inspiration, I have personally found creative power in my reproductive cycle. My orange chakra.

What am I getting at with all this?

Well, when you are really 24 years old, you have no clue what a chakra is and you sure as hell don’t understand your mood swings throughout the month. You just have the mood swings and suffer through them until they end and then you forget all about them until they strike again.

I really am lucky, I think. I get to have a 34-year-old mind inside a 24-year-old body – thanks to good genes, 15 years of yoga, swimming and eating relatively healthy. Actually, I think I am better looking NOW than when I was 24. My friend recently found some old pictures of me that I took while I was living in San Francisco and even though I had a professional make-up job and a haircut from an expensive salon – I looked like a dork.

Now, I’m just sexy.

Yeah, I guess ovulation makes me feel all into myself too.

So, as I was walking down the street, making believe I was 24, I started to look at the city with more wonderment rather than, “Oh, god, why am I walking around these streets all by myself? Where is my MAN? Why aren’t we together??? Boo hoo!” I’m sure in 2 weeks I will be asking those questions again – I mean, unless I can re-program this 34-year-old brain of mine to think like a 24-year-old who is relishing in the freedom and opening up to the possibilities of a new city…with relatively no responsibilities and commitments to this or that person. I think that’s what was starting to make me feel so weighed down in Miami – my commitments. And yet, when I think about those commitments, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I suppose it’s because they may actually be the RIGHT commitments…rather than an ADDiction.

I realize now, in the light of my ovulation, that these past two weeks of feeling desperate and lonely and unable to think about anything but my MAN is a symptom of an ADDictive personality. I think. I smoked a few cigarettes when I was in my 20s but I never got addicted. I really like chocolate but I don’t HAVE to eat it everyday. I love drinking coffee, and for a while I was drinking it everyday, but now I am just drinking tea. I also really love to eat meat and potatoes and rich foods that make my Puerto Rican butt more ripply, but apparently if I want to stop, I just do and start eating salad and saying no to cookies.

Hmmm. So maybe I don’t have an ADDictive personality. I just thought that I did because I can’t just quit a man. Once I have sex with him, that’s it – it’s over. I’ve gotta have a dose of him every freaking day, otherwise, my head starts to spin all exorcist like. What is the cause of this, exactly?

Excitement. Sex is exciting. It makes you feel good. Although there were many times it made me feel bad. The first time I did it was 20 years ago. Woah. That looks like a big number. He was a popular boy. I always liked the popular boys. They were usually good looking, smart, funny. At one time I was a popular girl. Pretty, smart and funny. So why shouldn’t I go after the alphas? Alpha + alpha = Alpha squared. Whatever.

OK, so the problem was that I was not popular anymore because I had moved. My little social network was no longer giving me the status I so desired. In my new surroundings, I deduced that dating the most alpha male would give me the boost I needed into the power circle. It wasn’t that difficult getting his attention. Boobs + butt = Eyeballs. Keeping it? That was a whole other story. Each week I dove deeper into the experimentation process until finally, he had me exactly where he wanted me. In my mind, we were going to date each other for the rest of high school. In his mind, I was just a science experiment. I didn’t understand that I was supposed to get to know him and talk and have fun together before sex happened so that we would also be friends besides bed buddies. Why didn’t I know this?

And the sad part is that I didn’t learn from this mistake. I repeated it about 10 times, even with my current MAN. Although – to my credit, some of those 10 times turned into 3-year relationships. And even then – do I consider those relationships “failures?” Or just learning periods in my life? I did learn from each one. College boyfriend taught me about Jewish people; Colorado boyfriend taught me about Mexican people; San Francisco boyfriend taught me about artists; Miami boyfriend taught me about marketing; and my current MAN? He is teaching me about technology, heroes, art, friendship, love, balance, patience…and MYSELF.

Perhaps this is what keeps me interested? Ever since I met him, he has done everything correct. He has given me space when I need it. He listens to me when I need to vent. He gives me advice when I need help. He makes me think rationally. He knows how to handle me.

So, this slow growth thing, as the new social venture capitalists Woody Tasch are advocating, is applicable to relationships. Being away from my man is not only making me appreciate him more (and NOT taking him for granted), it is also helping me remember why I, myself, am an interesting mofo.

Which brings us back to the beginning of this blog post – I was talking about being in the “meat” of my life and that I should be living some kind of “lifestyle,” according to the foundation I laid in my 20s. Well, I have come to the realization that this, right here, is it. I have created quite an interesting “alternative” lifestyle. I have friends in most major cities of the US (and London) as a result of my traveling, I attend art shows, concerts, spoken word nights, I practice yoga regularly, I hang out in used book stores and vintage clothing stores, I work in an activist non-profit organization using the skills I honed during my years of traveling…I am rolling in the salami and ham of my life right now. The meat isn’t a man. And when I think back to when a man was the center of my universe – I was totally unbalanced, overly emotional and unfocused, just like a drug ADDicted, co-dependent loser.

I have to maintain this sense of self now. The Universe will weave my MAN and I back together when the T-I-M-E is right.

It all sounds good in theory, at least.