Hi. I’m Femmebot 8.0 reporting live from the Capital of Isms and this is the Fake News on Jan. 22, 2018.
In today’s Fake News, The Femmebots @91Broadway are getting evicted so all our furniture is for sale. We got a Queen sized Ikea Bed – With Drawers! – a papasan chair – With a throw pillow! – a folding kitchen table – With Stools! – a microwave plus a stand and a coffee table (computer NOT included!). If you would like to pick up all this loot for your own overpriced apartment in NYC, your last chance is Jan. 27, 2018, otherwise, we will donate it to ______.
In other Fake News, some Democrats are ready to say yes to the border wall in order to re-open the government. What???
Today the financial markets responded to the government shutdown by dipping ___% and just under a million federal workers got to hang at home for the day. No more case of “The Mondays” for those workers, eh?
Schumer offered Trump the funding for an initial payment on the wall project. What???
In yesterday’s fake news, or was it a few months ago? It doesn’t really matter when it’s all Googable, you can stitch together any story you want to tell, Fortune Magazine named New York City the number one hub for women tech entrepreneurs. That’s right – there’s a reason The Femmebots are based here, it’s not just because the weather “is amazing” and the pizza is $1 per slice and our family roots go back to the 1950s. We are part of a major transformation of a city built on patriarchy which means nothing runs efficiently and contrary to people’s ingrained branding, this NOT the most progressive city in the world. It’s as 20th century as it gets – sure you got DUMbo and gentrification taking over every hood of color, so it APPEARS TO BE MOVING WITH THE TRENDS, but NO – NYC is more racist and segregated than…
Miami? What??? Yeah. Miami used to be a TOTAL SHITHOLE but after hella hurricanes, art shows and gentrification, the diversity is organic and not just a fucking conversation (or workshop catered by ____).
We interrupt yesterday’s Fake News with this update from last summer’s Fake News – Miami is a political wasteland where no one gives a shit about racists in Charlottesville because they’re too busy fixing the holes in their rooftops from Hurricane Irma.
And now back to today’s Fake News: Are you stressed about life? Well, we’ve got another app for you to download to your remote control, aka iPhone/Android): it’s the ChakraYogaQuizApp! Even though the graphics are stretched and the text isn’t consistent, the information is all correct and vetted by a TRUE yoga swami, Chakra Girl HERSELF!
Chakra GirlL: “I approved this app.”
Just download the app and you’ll never be stressed again, just listen to our rave reviews!
- “I’d always wanted to try doing yoga in my free time. But had never managed to do it. The amount of posses [sic] out there is simply overwhelming. And then I’ve stumbled onto this little app. So now not only have I learned the posses [sic] but also found out something new about their meanings thanks to the quizes. It’s a strong five from me!” – Ann Sparrow (really?)
- “Wow when I showed the app to my friend she was absolutely happy. She enjoys yoga and do [sic] it three times a week. So this application allowed her to learn new names of chakras. So if you keen [sic] on yoga you’ll like it.” – Johny_Wheel555
- “Long story short, one of my goals in 2018 is to get mentally and physically fit and this app with all its various yoga poses is def something to die for (for an amateur like me!)” – VictoriaTompson
- “Interesting concept but the graphics is poor.” – OzOize (thank God for honesty)
In tomorrow’s Fake News we’ll talk with someone about something. Stay tuned!